Fatuously Asked Questions

1. This is a joke, right?

   You may think so now, but you won't be laughing when you read the book.

2. There really is an actual book called Tuna and Waffles by ...you?

   Yes, it's an actual book-like booky book with real book-style pages bound in proper book-type binding with a bookish book cover. You can hold it in your hands and use it like any other actual, genuine book. It's just like a real Booker Prize-winning sort of book, except without the prize.

   Demonstration of the many valuable uses of Tuna and Waffles:
   
   (N.B. Does not apply to Kindle edition, which has been verified to possess no practical value. No claims for loss or damage will be accepted as a result of attempting to try this at home. We recommend the use of an effective AntiVirus product. Also, wash your hands.)

3. So you fell for one of those silly vanity publishing scams and now have two hundred copies of your "masterpiece" stacked up in your garage that you're desperate to offload so you can recoup a fraction of the enormous fee you paid for them?

   The only physical copies of this book that exist are those that people have already requested and paid for (meaning that if you get in early enough you can own a very limited edition). Each copy of Tuna and Waffles is printed on demand by Lulu; once ordered, an individual, one-off copy is professionally printed, bound and shipped by Lulu direct to the purchaser at no cost to me.

4. Riiight... and what's the cost to a errr... potential purchaser?

   For a limited period only, roughly a very reasonable fiver plus approximately three quid for UK shipping (may vary depending on dollar exchange rate - remember to select Pounds Sterling as your currency on the Lulu web site). But pricing may vary due to gouging brexit.

5. OK, so what's your cut, buster?

   In the book, I refer to spending my royalties on a Mars Bar. Of course, that's a slight exaggeration - there's no way the royalty on an individual copy would extend to the cost of a Mars Bar. If you really like it, perhaps you could send me one. Or even a Fry's Chocolate Cream - I'm anyone's for one of those.

   Seriously, if I were doing this for the money, it would cost twice as much (and I'd sell less than half as many). Think of the warm glow I get from knowing you own a copy instead. Like Ready Brek, but slightly naughty too. Actually, that's a disgusting thought, cancel it.

6. I'm going to take a wild guess that no mainstream publisher would go near this...

   Sadly, they didn't return my calls as they're buried under mountains of unsold copies of David Blunkett's memoirs.

7. Go on then, tell us about your dreary book...

   Tuna and Waffles contains a selection of allegedly humorous articles written by me for The Courier, the UWA student magazine, during my time at university in the nineties. Many of them were highly acclaimed... well, some people enjoyed them... OK, I didn't receive any actual complaints. Apart from the people that didn't like something I wrote. And frankly, they were mostly deserving targets.

8. So you're asking money for reissuing a load of secondhand scribblings concerning a small, provincial mid-Wales university?

   All the articles have received minor updates and rewrites, two chapters are completely new and the entire book has been typeset to a professional standard; a lot of work has gone into this. In other words, yes.

9. Blimey, who's going to want to read that?

   Anyone who was at Aber from the eighties onwards, or was ever a student, or is still a student, or at least hasn't matured much since 1990, might enjoy it. (Disclaimer: We have not proved this scientifically. Usual sample variation applies. For purpose of analysis, "enjoy" was not quantified and implies no guaranteed level of engagement for any particular individual. In surveys, eight out of ten cat owners said their cats preferred proper litter.)

10. The phrase "reheated leftovers" springs irresistibly to mind...

    Does it? The phrase "Quit carping and give us your money unless you've written a better book" would appear to be sufficient answer.

11. So how do I get hold of this literary piéce de resistance? Not that I've decided to buy it yet, mind...

    You're too kind. Go to Lulu, add the book to your cart, checkout, enter your payment details and sit back in excited anticipation. Fulfillment takes about 7-10 days and delivery is fairly rapid after that as Lulu now appear to have a UK production site (my sample proof arrived the day after the email to tell me it had been shipped).

12. Sigh. I suppose you expect all your friends to buy a copy, otherwise you won't talk to them ever again?

    Not at all. If you wish to pass on this amazing opportunity to own a unique piece of Aber history and enjoy a labour of love by a struggling author, that has no bearing on our beautiful friendship. Although I've always had you down for an evasive tightwad.

13. Charming. Is there any danger of a second volume?

    I promise not. And have I ever gone back on something I've said before?

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Posted by Ade at 2nd January 2007 1:00 PM |
Last updated at 28 February 2012 10:13 AM | Reply