1994
Christianity is the official religion of the United Kingdom. However, remember that the Conservative Party is the official government of the UK. Today, many people are questioning their beliefs and some are also questioning their personal hygiene and why first class post includes free storage in obscure sorting offices for several days. Therefore, it is worth examining the Christian faith to decide whether it can still form a viable and worthy spiritual commodity, or whether it is purely the preserve of Cliff Richard. In the past, such doubts would have merited an immediate and compulsory invitation to the next church bonfire party. Today, they only cause tambourines to be shaken loudly at you in the street.
Christianity began (it is said) when a Jew stood up in front of everyone else and told them they were living their lives the wrong way. This endearing approach is central to Christian thinking and history. The Jewish man was subsequently nailed up and then bricked up, but escaped to prove just how much of a smartarse he was. Early Christians were steeled in their faith by persecution and being fed to the lions, under the Romans ("Tasty Christians! With all the vitamins and minerals your cat needs for a healthy, shiny coat! Eight of ten emperors said their arenas preferred them."). This already illustrates one of the fundamental characteristics of Christian fundamentalists: they won't shut up even if you ask them very persuasively. Nor do they run fast enough. It further explains why lions seen in modern day zoos always appear lethargic and unhappy; they are no longer fed properly.
Later Christians were able to convert large numbers of people to their faith. Having suffered the contempt and ridicule of such hypocrites for many years, the early Christian establishment organised massive inquisitions and bonfires of these new followers to get their own back and to save on fuel, in the name of God. They reasoned that the only way to spare you an eternity burning in terrible agony was by burning you in terrible agony right now - after torturing you slowly and imaginatively first. How simply divine. Nor did you have to try particularly hard to get yourself on the guest list; men like Copernicus merely attempted to advance human knowledge, but found themselves being offered exciting new careers as firelighters.
Having successfully saved many of their own followers by killing them off, the Christians went on to spread the word to followers of other false religions by declaring war on them and committing dreadful atrocities, or else by sending missonary aid. Indeed there are still a few surviving native tribespeople who remain eternally thankful for the gift of 'civilisation'. Those Christians who didn't go out into the world and opted instead to lead peaceful lives of worship and harmony were called monks, and were often engaged in playful games of Murder by the Vikings.
Over the succeeding years of history, the Christian church has faced many challenges to its authority, including those of the Renaissance, Darwinism, Neo-Paganism, the Rolling Stones and the Bishop of Durham. In each case, it has reacted by hysterical shouting and making pointed comments about hellfire and damnation. As a result of such righteous opposition, many people today are still descended from apes, admit a liking for fine art, visit Stonehenge and listen to "Jumping Jack Flash". However, few of them have much time for the Bishop of Durham.
Modern Christians attend churches and follow the Bible. Churches are large Gothic buildings decorated with heavy crucifixes sculpted by institutional inmates with chainsaws and dangerous headaches, in which people are supposed to feel uplifted and joyful. During the services, the vicar, who these days will generally wear a waistcoat and start with "Hey kids, let's rap about the big G!", will read passages from the Bible and attempt to interpret them in modern terms, usually by resorting to pat analogies that possess all the profundity and wisdom of an intense bowel movement. Little wonder they run into difficulties when they are starting with a 2,000 year old source text written in another country by people who had never heard of television, Stonewall, feminism or contraception. Perhaps the church would do better to start afresh with something like Catch 22.
The basic message of the Bible is "Love thy neighbour". Unfortunately, its several hundred pages leave a lot of room for ambiguity and topic drift of continental proportions, which is partly why we have Catholics and Protestants, not to mention Jehovahs and even a few religious groups.
During the service, the congregation will affirm several times the might of the Lord and plead not to be smited by his gentle grace. They leave feeling vaguely superior over anyone who wasn't in the same church or doesn't pray as hard as they do.
In addition, formal social ceremonies such as christenings, marriages and funerals take place in churches, although nowadays they also occur in locations such as council flats, registry offices and small Russian towns. The marriage ceremony is a classic example of a traditional religious custom. The vicar instructs the happy couple that marriage is no laughing matter and must be entered into soberly "and in the fear of God". This is perhaps why, for many, passion ends shortly after the honeymoon does. Being constantly watched over by a kind, loving God who scares the crap out of you would kill the romance in any situation.
The modern church no longer practises discrimination against other faiths and, for the most part, benignly tolerates those who hold alien beliefs. However, atheists are considered fair game because godless barbarians are obviously up for grabs and need saving from their own tragic ignorance. The fact that they are able to lead full lives as active, worthy and charitable as any regular church-goer, without expecting free admission to paradise at the end of it, proves nothing and evangelical sermonising has become big business, particularly if you an American preacher with a large mansion and several expensive habits to mainline. Christians claim that atheists are often afraid of accepting the Lord into their lives. Atheists certainly are afraid, but this is more through encounters with unnaturally smiley people straight out of "Invaders from Outer Space". There is little to beat the creeping fear that grips one's spine when faced with a be-sandalled stranger who wants to be your best friend and has stopped thinking for themselves in order to think for others. Anyone who has been able to sit through Sunday morning religious programmes presented by such people should remember the old saying, "The Devil finds work for idle hands"; switch off the telly and go back to bed. With someone else.
Evangelical Christians also attempt to win new followers by shouting loudly in the street at passers-by trying hard to ignore them, and then singing folk songs. A typical example runs thus:
"Jesus, Jesus, he loves me
Jesus, lord, he's my cup of tea,
Jesus, Jesus, the buttons in my shirt,
Against Jesus you're just dirt.
(Tambourine solo)"
© God 1994
Surprisingly, this does not halt everyone in their tracks, drive all thoughts of Kwik Save from their minds and cause a spontaneous outbreak of hysterical applause. A better way to attract attention might be to hold a sign up promising something free or two holy relics for the price of one ("Buy the Spirit, get the Son and the Holy Ghost free!").
Realising that old hymnal dirges which lack one tenth of the melodic sensibility and joyful life of any Beatles hit ("We write better middle eights than Jesus" - Lennon) are not going to attract the youth audience so vital to keeping the pews warm, the Church has recently encouraged the growth of religious rock. This is rock music without the sex and drugs...no, hang on, that's not rock music. This is muzak without the sex and drugs but containing biblically aware lyrics, thus illustrating how some people will pervert the purity and innocence of anything sacred in order to further their own ends. Let's face it, if you're not stoned out of your mind after a four hour orgy with ten groupies, you ain't gonna write anything worth farting through a kazoo, let alone droning in public. And you'll be drowned out by the high-pitched whine of a generation of betrayed rock stars spinning in their graves.
The Church is also willing to fund affiliated religious groups, such as student Christian Unions, who are unable to attract financial support from more liberal bodies. Be assured that there are many such organisations happy to ruin your day by calling you a sinner, and we should all be grateful that they are prepared to confront those of us wearing the wrong clothes, listening to the wrong music, sleeping with the wrong people and indignantly telling them to piss off and mind their own bloody business. Other student religious societies may take a more broad-minded approach; for example, CathSoc are waiting for the second coming of the Lord in the expectation that it is His round. Be warned that some dangerous, subversive, brainwashing cults have also infiltrated campuses, such as Rag.
When challenged to prove that God exists, many Christians will point to the flowers and the trees, the birds and the beasts, the splendour of mankind and the glory of the cosmos as evidence of His divine hand. But you don't convince anyone by stealing ideas from television adverts for life insurance companies and large oil conglomerates. More usually, an evangelist will say that they don't have to prove anything because "I know". Unfortunately, they don't seem to know that smug bastards holding uninformed opinions are called politicians, and we have plenty of those already. This is why theological arguments with evangelists are ultimately pointless, frustrating and likely to result in random acts of senseless violence, so you might as well go do something worthwhile like join Greenpeace instead. Besides, an evangelist knows that an atheist has nothing to convert them to, whereas they have a Cause to which others could be converted. In their hurry to get one more fellow human being for their "Heathens Saved from Satan" stamp collection, they often overlook the fact that "no belief in God" does not equate with "no beliefs at all". For example, I believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs without having the right to ram them down the throats of others.
Satan is a stylishly dressed and very suave temptor feared by all Christians. Many live in terror under his shadow, as Lucifer is well known for tempting the faithful into indulging in wicked vices. For example, he has seduced holy American preachers into dallying with prostitutes and snorting drugs, whilst good and true British clergymen have found themselves led astray by beautiful choirboys and parisioners. Those of lesser willpower have fallen into having sexual experiences outside marriage and consuming mild intoxicants. Truly, the devil will stop at nothing to exploit precious lives that could otherwise be dedicated entirely to the service of God.
Christians who successfully lead worshipful and virtuous lives can expect an eternity pass to heaven upon achieving their final ambition of dying. No one has been able to explain heaven adequately, other than by making vague utterings about paradise and nectar. In comparison, the Christian imagination has always been capable of describing hell to perfection; it starts with hot pitchforks up your bottom and pretty well continues in that vein for the remainder of time. But here we have crossed the line into sexual fantasy, and the average reader will doubtless wish to avoid exploring the darker recesses of theology.
The Christian faith certainly is an intriguing and beguiling blend of magic, mystery and miracles, but so was "Lord of the Rings" and nobody has yet suggested that Gollum died for our sins. Many of its worst critics make the mistake of viewing it superficially and without much real understanding of its aims and the simple morality of its message. However, so do legions of its followers, particularly those who are keen to hack their fellow man to pieces, either physically or metaphorically. This one puzzling facet of religion will doubtless cause the discerning individual to ponder their own spiritual needs and outlook carefully.
1994
