Bubbles:

Ruining Rooms

Bored with Ikea furniture and deep pile carpet? Fancy doing something you've seen in a style magazine, but without wasting a whole weekend on it? It's your lucky, lucky day! Top designers from BBC's Changing Rooms who need no formal introduction, including The Crazy Scottish Woman and The Twat With The Hair, share their top tips below to transform your drab and dowdy, squalid little abodes into havens of seventies-style sophistication and glamour.

Glue strips of tin foil to some scrap cardboard and use a staple gun to hang each piece from the ceiling. This creates wonderful light effects and does not at all resemble a cheap restaurant in Chinatown.
Salvage some scrap metal items from your local junkyard, spray them ~~puke~~ puce and nail them to the walls for that arty feel. If you use some nice sharp bits, it will stop the kids leaning on the walls and making them dirty too!
From the same junkyard, grab some large pieces of corrugated sheet metal, paint them lime green and cobalt blue, and leave them in the garden to break up wide spaces and enhance interactivity levels! Remember to warn the binmen not to take them away.
Paint effects: don't stick to your boring roller and brush! Try applying paint with the back of the cat, then create stippled patterns in it with your tongue.
Cover passé pine floors and walls with gallons of cheap paint in bright, happy colours! We often use this technique to give a whole new look within the two hours of filming available. It always creates a stir, especially when people discover how little effort is involved.
Use MDF offcuts to break up boring straight edges, by gluing them randomly to the sides of conventional furniture. Breathe in plenty of the dust while cutting it and you'll be convinced of what a marvellous difference this makes!
Don't be afraid to reuse themes and fashions from the past in startling and creative new ways. Formica, coloured glass tiles, flush panelling...they can all make your room a real talking point (amongst dope-smoking hippies). Enhance the effect by wearing flares.
Don't be afraid to cut corners. Obviously, you can use decent timber and drill and screw everything together properly...or you can staple and glue sheets of cheap MDF! No one will know, especially if you're aiming to sell up within a month (two months if you use more glue).
Let Carol Smillie do some of the work. While she's busy chattering and not looking what she's doing, she's bound to lend an unusual and unique finish to whatever she's working on, particularly when the jigsaw goes through two of her own fingers.
Swap houses with your neighbours for a day. Just think of the amazing new look you could give their dining room - with the aid of a sledgehammer and a welding torch! They won't dare trim your rosemary bush again! Meanwhile, they'll be ready to surprise you by decorating your lounge walls with an intricate mosaic of spray-painted "KEEP THE FUCKING NOISE DOWN!" murals.
Demolish your house and go live in a tent! It might be a little cramped but at least you won't have to spend every evening watching arseholes with trendy ideas wrecking other people's houses.

2008-06-10

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