mercury
P.O. Box 1425 Chancellors House Chancellors Road
Hammersmith London W6 9QB

Dear Mr Rixon,

Thank you for your letter of March 18. I am terribly sorry to hear of the problems in your love life, and also the disturbing gastric problems you are obviously experiencing.

Although I am quite sure that listening to Wet Wet Wet records could not have directly affected these conditions, I can offer you the following advice:

  1. Play the enclosed free CD over and over again.
  2. Pose in front of the mirror (a hairbrush is always useful).
  3. Woo the girls with your exceptional imitation of Marti.

I think you will find this will solve all of your problems.

If you do not wish to folow the advice, you can always give the CD to your next possible girlfriend (I am sure she would be impressed).

However, in the meantime, I will remove your name from the Wets database.

Good luck!

Best wishes,

 

Matt Thomas.
Product Manager.
Mercury Records.

PS - No relocation planned, so perhaps you'd better dispose of your TV set.

[Note: Whehey, let's hear it for Mr Matt Thomas! And thanks for the free copy of "Picture This", you sadistic bastard, which I later passed on to a (male) friend who I was saddened to learn did not have as much taste as I previously thought.]

See the original letter!>
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