Ade gazes into his crystal ball (ouch!)
Ho hum, another completely dull and boring year in Aberystwyth. The
grass became a little longer, the drinks a little more expensive (as
did the grass), the college got a little richer, I got a little more
cynical. Rather than look back on the howling grey desolation of the
past, I thought I'd look forward to an exciting 1993/94 term, a year
when I predict the following amazing events will take place. Get
yourself down the bookies now:
- In search of further ways of boosting funds, UWA attempts a
sponsorship deal with a leading advertiser. Henceforth it will be known
as the University of Persil, Aberstwyth, motto: "Brighter students in
brighter whites". Unfortunately the University is immediately
threatened with a legal action by Bold Automatic, who have a private
contract with members of the Law dept. Professor of the No-Boil Wash,
Laurence Chewbean says, "This was extremely ill-advised and a gross
misrepresentation. Everyone knows that only Bold Automatic gives you
brighter whites at a price that's right, m'lud!"
The new student village is opened by Ken Dodd. There follows a
moderately stormy night and in the morning it is found that all the
houses have been relocated along a two mile stretch between Clarach and
Members of the new-look, radical paramilitary Christian
Union are struck by a plague of haemorrhoids. Within a month they are
all back to holding quiet prayer meetings on Saturday nights.
UWA announces the sell off of a room in Plyn to a cockroach called
Boris. The deal falls through after protests from the League Against
Animal Cruelty and Boris denounces his new home as "not fit for a
student to live in".
It is revealed that UWA distributes more newsletters and
other printed material than there are people in Wales or, indeed, trees
in the Amazon. Several key publicity offices are wrecked by bomb
blasts. Responsibility is claimed by approx. 600 people, all of whom
are found to be on the mailing lists. Scores of graduates breathe a
sigh of relief, and unblock their letterboxes.
UWA announces the sale of 300 students to medical research. Dr V. D.
Gonriah of the Humane Institute for Chain Smoking Spaniels welcomes the
news, saying "It'll be handy to have specimens already pickled in
The Principal is seen in new, 'dynamic' publicity shots for
the 1994/95 prospectus. These feature him windsurfing, playing guitar
in Rummers, and abseiling down Consti. The new prospectus prompts the
1. Are there any ugly students in Aber?
2. Who's the brunette on P.137 and why is she counting on her fingers?
3. Why are there always pictures of idiots running down the prom holding
4. Which university did they take these photos of people studying at?
The Union GM is stormed by guerilla Raggies who stage a coup at
tin-point. A dictatorial government is averted when a quick-thinking
student announces that there is a free spot outside Marks & Spencers in
Shrewsbury, and is subsequently trampled in the rush.
The government announces that student funding will
henceforth be decided on the basis of intelligence tests. Thousands of
FESS students thus end up living in poverty, whilst mathematicians look
very smug until beaten senseless.
Guild officers launch their 1994 Safe Sex campaign week, but still no
one will sleep with them.
The university attempts to sell off part of the Castle grounds to Asda,
but are foiled when reminded that they don't actually own the land.
Second Union renaming debate in the GM. It is marred by the
death of the "John Major Building" supporter; police are looking for an
attacker with forty pairs of feet. The final results are:
1. Silly Buggers Building - 282 votes
2. Raggies are Ace Building - 281 votes
3. Expensive Ents Building - 280 votes
4. Pooh Bear Building - 279 votes
5. The Union - 3 votes
6. Nick Page Tribute Building - 1 vote
After a five hour counting session, Guild officers announce that the new name
will be "The Union".
UWA traffic wardens adopt a new, tougher stance - offenders
will be shot on sight. Persistent offenders will be shot twice.
UWA announce plans to sell off the summer exam papers to the highest
bidder. Law and Physics students are rumoured to offer six figure sums,
but the deal is closed with an anonymous Biochemist who, it is said,
beat off a rival bid from a Geographer after two falls and a
submission. No FESS students bother to apply.
Following a Courier article which links two senior college
officials, five residents of Rendel, the local Poll Tax officer, two
rugby players, a sheep called Cyril, and a large baseball bat, editor
Rowan MacDonald finds herself in court accused of libel. The case is
subsequently flung out after the story is found to be true.
UWA traffic wardens are discovered clamped to the bell tower by their
necks. Both have 'Personality violation' tickets stuck to them.
The exams are marred by record numbers of candidates standing on
their desks and yelling "I am an orange and oranges don't do exams!"
Each is gently led outside and then knocked about by large Physics
lecturers wearing big boots until they agree to stop being so pathetic.
However, such behaviour does result in at least one Philosophy student
recieving first class honours on the spot.
HRH Prince Charles attends degree ceremony and is put in
Pantycelyn again. UWA subsequently loses royal patronage; the Principal
is put in the Tower for a month.
The government announces the privatisation of all higher education
institutes. UWA is purchased by an anonymous buyer for the rumoured sum
of 50p (40p more than the street value). Courier journalists deny the
deal is linked to their sudden pay rise from 0.00 to 20k a year.