Ade gazes into his crystal ball (ouch!)

Ho hum, another completely dull and boring year in Aberystwyth. The grass became a little longer, the drinks a little more expensive (as did the grass), the college got a little richer, I got a little more cynical. Rather than look back on the howling grey desolation of the past, I thought I'd look forward to an exciting 1993/94 term, a year when I predict the following amazing events will take place. Get yourself down the bookies now:

In search of further ways of boosting funds, UWA attempts a sponsorship deal with a leading advertiser. Henceforth it will be known as the University of Persil, Aberstwyth, motto: "Brighter students in brighter whites". Unfortunately the University is immediately threatened with a legal action by Bold Automatic, who have a private contract with members of the Law dept. Professor of the No-Boil Wash, Laurence Chewbean says, "This was extremely ill-advised and a gross misrepresentation. Everyone knows that only Bold Automatic gives you brighter whites at a price that's right, m'lud!"

The new student village is opened by Ken Dodd. There follows a moderately stormy night and in the morning it is found that all the houses have been relocated along a two mile stretch between Clarach and Borth.

Members of the new-look, radical paramilitary Christian Union are struck by a plague of haemorrhoids. Within a month they are all back to holding quiet prayer meetings on Saturday nights.

UWA announces the sell off of a room in Plyn to a cockroach called Boris. The deal falls through after protests from the League Against Animal Cruelty and Boris denounces his new home as "not fit for a student to live in".

It is revealed that UWA distributes more newsletters and other printed material than there are people in Wales or, indeed, trees in the Amazon. Several key publicity offices are wrecked by bomb blasts. Responsibility is claimed by approx. 600 people, all of whom are found to be on the mailing lists. Scores of graduates breathe a sigh of relief, and unblock their letterboxes.

UWA announces the sale of 300 students to medical research. Dr V. D. Gonriah of the Humane Institute for Chain Smoking Spaniels welcomes the news, saying "It'll be handy to have specimens already pickled in alcohol."

The Principal is seen in new, 'dynamic' publicity shots for the 1994/95 prospectus. These feature him windsurfing, playing guitar in Rummers, and abseiling down Consti. The new prospectus prompts the following questions: 1. Are there any ugly students in Aber? 2. Who's the brunette on P.137 and why is she counting on her fingers? 3. Why are there always pictures of idiots running down the prom holding hands? 4. Which university did they take these photos of people studying at?

The Union GM is stormed by guerilla Raggies who stage a coup at tin-point. A dictatorial government is averted when a quick-thinking student announces that there is a free spot outside Marks & Spencers in Shrewsbury, and is subsequently trampled in the rush.

The government announces that student funding will henceforth be decided on the basis of intelligence tests. Thousands of FESS students thus end up living in poverty, whilst mathematicians look very smug until beaten senseless.

Guild officers launch their 1994 Safe Sex campaign week, but still no one will sleep with them.

The university attempts to sell off part of the Castle grounds to Asda, but are foiled when reminded that they don't actually own the land.

Second Union renaming debate in the GM. It is marred by the death of the "John Major Building" supporter; police are looking for an attacker with forty pairs of feet. The final results are: 1. Silly Buggers Building - 282 votes 2. Raggies are Ace Building - 281 votes 3. Expensive Ents Building - 280 votes 4. Pooh Bear Building - 279 votes 5. The Union - 3 votes 6. Nick Page Tribute Building - 1 vote After a five hour counting session, Guild officers announce that the new name will be "The Union".
UWA traffic wardens adopt a new, tougher stance - offenders will be shot on sight. Persistent offenders will be shot twice.

UWA announce plans to sell off the summer exam papers to the highest bidder. Law and Physics students are rumoured to offer six figure sums, but the deal is closed with an anonymous Biochemist who, it is said, beat off a rival bid from a Geographer after two falls and a submission. No FESS students bother to apply.

Following a Courier article which links two senior college officials, five residents of Rendel, the local Poll Tax officer, two rugby players, a sheep called Cyril, and a large baseball bat, editor Rowan MacDonald finds herself in court accused of libel. The case is subsequently flung out after the story is found to be true.

UWA traffic wardens are discovered clamped to the bell tower by their necks. Both have 'Personality violation' tickets stuck to them.

The exams are marred by record numbers of candidates standing on their desks and yelling "I am an orange and oranges don't do exams!" Each is gently led outside and then knocked about by large Physics lecturers wearing big boots until they agree to stop being so pathetic. However, such behaviour does result in at least one Philosophy student recieving first class honours on the spot.
HRH Prince Charles attends degree ceremony and is put in Pantycelyn again. UWA subsequently loses royal patronage; the Principal is put in the Tower for a month.

The government announces the privatisation of all higher education institutes. UWA is purchased by an anonymous buyer for the rumoured sum of 50p (40p more than the street value). Courier journalists deny the deal is linked to their sudden pay rise from 0.00 to 20k a year.

Ade Rixon