Airshed A960x

Release Notes for Version 2.0

Airshed Conglomerates

Revision: 2.3a
Date: 1st Sept 1998
Part no.: A-960x-Not60/320

Introduction

Congratulations on taking delivery of the latest Airshed A960x! The A960x is the world's most advanced civilian jet air transportation unit, based on leading edge fly-by-wire technology. With care and regular maintenance, your A960x will give you years of class actions troublefree flying.

Before using your new aircraft, we recommend spending some time to become familiar with the contents of both the A960x Users Guide (supplied separately in CD-ROM and glossy in-flight magazine formats) and these release notes. These notes contain important information for all A960x users, whether this is your first A960x model or you are replacing a previous version and can still afford the insurance premiums.

Typographical conventions used in this manual

Typeface	Meaning	Example
Bold face	Console warning message	Emergency crashing landing procedure commen...
Italic face	Exclamation of fear and surprise	"Omigod, we're all going to die!!"

STOP!! Before proceeding further, you should check that your airline insurance policy provides sufficient cover while flying this aircraft. In particular, you should verify that it explicitly includes cover for "major and significant loss of civilian life due to equipment failure". If it does not specify this cover, you must ground the A960x and must not proceed further until you are in a position to afford the additional premiums.

Installing A960x software

The A960x operating system and supporting utilities, including the graphical Microsoft Fly^tm user interface, are supplied on a single ISO9660 formatted CD-ROM. To install the software, insert the CD-ROM into the drive located in the centre of the main flight panel (above the coffee cup holder - if the tray refuses to retract, that is the coffee cup holder) and type:

C> D:\setup

This will start the installation assistant. Select the options you require from the modules screen.

Note: The Basic Flight Capability option is a core module and must be selected to ensure successful operation. A future release of the installer will disable deselection of this module.

Once you have finished selecting the options you require, use the joystick to move the target crosshair selector and click the Finish button.

Installation will be completed in 3-4 hours. You should use this time to review chapter 1 of the Users Guide, entitled "Basic Flying Tutorial".

Problems fixed in this release

The following problems have been corrected in this release. If you are using an older release of the A960x software, you should upgrade immediately to the current version. (Note: there is no upgrade path for Version 1.0 as we are not aware of any users remaining alive.)

• 549391: Ground radar identifier fails to distinguish runway-shaped trees, mountains and buildings, resulting in downtime.
• 573834: Use of cabin muzak causes loss of power in pressurisation systems, resulting in depressurisation of cabin space and subsequent implosion.
• 112685: Manual control rods and linkages will snap under light manipulation due to wire coat hanger construction.
• 644312: Under certain circumstances, aircraft will commence emergency landing procedure while flying at low level, resulting in downtime.
• 326584: Aircraft food is inedible.

Known problems and incompatibilities

The following are a list of known problems and workarounds with this release. Airshed Conglomerates expects to fix these problems in a future release of the A960x software.

• 299567: Documentation error. P. 48 of Users Guide states that all pilots require "an approved pilots qualification". Amend to read "...qualification, a charmed existence and a stiff drink."
• MS4735: Due to a bug in the user interface component, simultaneous selection of any left hand flaps and "Outbreak" as in-flight movie will result in catastrophic mid-air fragmentation and subsequent loss of all life on board. We are awaiting release of a patch from Microsoft Corp to fix this.
  Workaround: Until the patch is available, either watch "Outbreak" at home on video or do not attempt to bank left.
• 574182: Use of manual override while aircraft is attempting to land will result in severe system deadlock, rendering all further operation useless.
  Workaround: Do not attempt to override incorrect landing sequence. Instruct passengers and crew to adopt crash positions instead. Use the phrase: "Omigod, we're all going to die!!"
• MS9995: Use of passenger electronic equipment running non-Microsoft operating systems causes conflict with the aircraft local area network, resulting in immediate network hang and subsequent loss of vital functionality, followed by death.
  Workaround: Microsoft Corp advise that recommended Microsoft operating systems should be installed on all passenger equipment before commencing take-off. If this is not possible, remove offending items and place under aircraft wheels prior to taxi-ing.
• 438712: Under certain system emergency conditions, flight recorder may fail to record "Pilot Error", causing subsequent embarrassment on retrieval.
  Workaround: As a temporary measure, the flight recorder casing has been manufactured from low grade plastic to ensure that successful recovery is impossible.
• 574718: Use of multi-player games on flight deck will result in poor system performance and reduced throughput of vital flight data processing. In severe circumstances, such as the higher levels of Quake II, this can result in downtime. This is usually preceded by the following console message: "Game over."
• 546633: Abnormally loud bodily noises of passenger in seat 9A can upset instrumentation, resulting in unreliable aircraft response.
  Workaround: Move passenger in seat 9A to an alternative position. If this is not possible, you must jettison the relevant passenger in mid-air. See appendix C of the Users Guide, "Disposal of waste material".
• 127465: Aircraft food is still inedible.

Reporting problems

Before contacting Airshed Conglomerates with problem reports, you should verify that you have followed all the relevant troubleshooting procedures in the Users Guide (Appendix B, pp. 612-1345). If the problem persists, contact the Airshit Support Line and have the following information ready:

• Your system serial number.
• Your authorised support account number.
• Contact details.
• Next of kin.
• Flight plan (note: flight paths over Middle Eastern territories are currently unsupported.)
• A brief description of the problem and the circumstances leading up to its appearance (eg. "Pulled stick back and aircraft went into terminal nosedive.")
• Priority level (Non-urgent; Serious; Life-threatening).

While speaking to our operatives, please avoid screaming in terror and babbling incoherently as this has occasionally upset our support personnel in the past.

Note: Due to limited resources, flights by unqualified civilians are unsupported. Do not call requesting to be talked down as we are unable to provide this service. Advise all crew members to avoid use of the phrase "Does anyone on board know how to fly an airplane?!"

End Of Life statements

"We are not aware of any problems with the A960x and reaffirm that this tragic accident was due purely to pilot error. A full investigation will be conducted in due course."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers." - Jack Handey.

1st September 1998