Big Bubbles (no troubles)

What sucks, who sucks and you suck

The Moron's Guide to Fixing Computer Problems

Got a computer system? Got a problem? Take that dumbfounded look off your face and unknot that eyebrow. To accompany major reference works such as The Dummy’s Guide To The Internet, The Complete Tosswad’s E-Commerce Handbook and The Utterly Cretinous Imbecile’s Introduction To Managing IT In The Enterprise, BB brings you a ten step moron’s guide to fixing any computer problem. Sit up and stop drooling.

  1. Application doesn’t work.
    Restart it.
  2. Application still doesn’t work.
    Restart it again and press the keys really, really hard.
  3. Application still doesn’t work.
    No, really pound those keys.
  4. Application still doesn’t work.
    Reboot the computer.
  5. Application still doesn’t work.
    Power-cycle the computer to “clean out the circuits”.
  6. Computer doesn’t work.
    Hit it with a hammer.
  7. Computer smoking.
    Pick up computer and bang vigorously against hard surface. Ensure you are well earthed.
  8. Computer works fine but I really wanna use the hammer.
    Hit your colleagues; they’re bound to be doing something stupid.
  9. Computer worked until we installed new software.
    Hit the IBM salesman with the hammer. Repeatedly. Go nuts.
  10. Computer boring, me like hammer.
    Hit yourself, aka. “apply solution to point of maximum effectiveness”.

Warning: At no point attempt to perform logical deduction or systematic diagnosis. That kind of thing probably got you in this mess and has no place in a professionally run IT organisation. These boxes have power switches for a reason, use them freely.