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Preparing for Emergencies - We’ll Tell You What You Need To Know

This leaflet contains important advice on how to protect yourself, your family and your property in the event of an emergency caused by Terrorism. Remember that we are constantly under the threat of such attacks and that therefore, this advice should be followed at all times.

Stay inside. Lock all doors and windows. Keep away from the light.

To protect democracy, it is important that you

do not go out to vote.

Switch on the television. During an emergency, the Sky network will broadcast a selection of desirable consumer goods on the home shopping channel, to promote calm and the benefits of a luxuriant western lifestyle. The authorities will do their best to ensure that good credit facilities remain open to all.

If you do not have a television, you’re weird.

Ensure that your home is always kept well supplied with a selection of light reading material, such as JK Rowling, Monica Ali or Mein Kampf by Tony Blair. Avoid reading George Orwell or Aldous Huxley, this will only create distress and confusion.

Remain frightened at all times.

Do not allow anyone into your home unless they can show identification (such as a police badge, ID card or Domino’s Pizza uniform), they are classified personnel who do not have identities or they are David Blunkett and his dog Lucy. Always have a supply of bottled water on hand for Lucy.

Keep the following supplies to hand at all times: * Money or credit cards; * A wet hankerchief; * A mobile phone with picture messaging facility and selection of networked games; * Playstation 2; * The Office on DVD; * Pot noodles; * Equitable Life policy documents; * URL for Tesco Home Delivery.

If a member of your family becomes ill or develops unpleasant odours, contact your nearest foundation hospital and put them outside in a sterile container. Remove any indigestible items, such as valuables or garments.

If you feel that you cannot cope, always remember that celebrities have it far, far worse than you.