Things you shouldn’t do when overhearing the neighbours having sex:

1. Applaud.
2. Award points for style, endurance and originality.
3. Compete - this is one short step from wife-swapping and besides, they never brought the mower back, remember?
4. Give encouraging shouts of “Hang in there pal, she’s nearly finished!”
5. Pop next door with an oil can “for your bed”.
6. Tap on the wall in a syncopated rhythm.
7. Sample the noise, put it against a drum loop and have a massive worldwide hit called “Yes!Yes!Yes!”.
8. Enter your loft, dismantle the party wall, climb over, drop through their loft hatch and crouch in a corner of the bedroom with a camcorder. Particularly if they left the light on.

That last one’s a real no-no. Case comes up next week.