Things you shouldn’t do when overhearing the neighbours having sex:
- Award points for style, endurance and originality.
- Compete - this is one short step from wife-swapping and besides, they never brought the mower back, remember?
- Give encouraging shouts of “Hang in there pal, she’s nearly finished!”
- Pop next door with an oil can “for your bed”.
- Tap on the wall in a syncopated rhythm.
- Sample the noise, put it against a drum loop and have a massive worldwide hit called “Yes!Yes!Yes!”.
- Enter your loft, dismantle the party wall, climb over, drop through their loft hatch and crouch in a corner of the bedroom with a camcorder. Particularly if they left the light on.
That last one’s a real no-no. Case comes up next week.