So what’s the RIAA got its frilly knickers in a twist for? They’re seriously worried that millions of people with taste will want to pirate the tired old shit they’ve been peddling for the last five years??
Oh yeah, I so want an illegal copy of Britney’s new album. Dude, I wouldn’t want a copy of that shitsweat if it was the last fuckin’ album on the planet. Hey, hands up who wants a bootleg of a 12 year old hick squeaking about how she’s not yet a woman! (Britney, you’re not even fucking human. You’re navel fluff grown in a lab.) “Aw man, you mean I don’t have to pay fifteen quid for this?!” “Yep, straight up, have this one on me!”
“Hit me baby, one more time…“ Shit, just the once, Brit? I guess it sounds a bit catchier than “Pound me repeatedly with a nailed baseball bat until the blood sprays across the faces of the pubescent brats so wired on Pepsi they’d jig around to a road drill.”
Jeez, and they refer to this as their “intellectual property”, right? The only time intellect came into contact with that teen jizz queen’s record was when the Phillipino shift worker at the pressing plant put the CD insert in the case. I could make more intelligent noises with a bad case of wind.
“Hey son, don’t copy our intee-lech-tual property, y’hear? It’s wrong. It’s bad for you.”
“Gee, OK mister.”
“Look, just t’make sure, we’d better spend billions developing a secure protection technology for these CDs, in case you have a sudden brain aneurysm and try to copy them.” Well sure, go ahead. You’re wasting your money though. But hey, you’re the experts at that, right. After all, you signed the little jizz queen in the first place and spent all that money marketing her. Dude, I could wipe my ass on this fifty spot and contribute more to mankind.
“Hey Jim, how could we best invest some money in nurturing talent?”
“Well, we could listen to these demo tapes and maybe find the next Hendrix.”
“Hey fuck it, let’s demand another album from Coldplay! Let’s get Aerosmith back in the studio! And make sure the product is copy-protected!” Aw heck, you mean I can’t copy that either? Well sheeeit. Guess I’ll go listen to the washer instead. Hey y’know, this machine sounds better! Has anyone signed it to a five album deal yet? Jeez, we’d better strictly enforce the copyright on this spin cycle, otherwise every file trading service on the net will have a recording! Man, they’ll be deleting their Coldplay MP3s to make space for it.