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'I Hope They Don't Interrogate Him,'

Darlene Edmunds, ex-wife of a US navy cryptographic expert held by the Chinese, told the Sacramento Bee newspaper, who in turn told the world media, parts of which are even rumoured to be read by the same Chinese who may wish to painfully torture her former husband.

“I don’t know what measures they are going to take to find out what they want to know … but it could involve red hot, electrified needles under his fingernails and in his eyes, body cavity probes with a nailed baseball bat or genital mutilation - all recognised techniques that cause extreme pain and duress,” she went on. “Josef - five foot eight with sandy hair, spectacles and lying eyes - is trained not to give out information, so they’d probably have to subject him to several days of extreme torture without sleep before he would blab like a baby. And who could blame them, when the knowledge he has could topple our entire country?”

Tearfully, Mrs Edmunds went on to say, “Even though he carried on a six month affair with a young navy intern, which was the main factor in our divorce after ten years of marriage, I don’t want him to come to any real harm or suffer nameless agonies at the hands of cruel, heartless aggressors who may be his equal. That’s why I’m pleading with the Chinese authorities not to interrogate him - that’s Josef ‘Joe’ Edmunds, got that? - in their usual highly effective and notorious manner. Just because he can tell a pack of stinking lies to my attorney under oath, he may not be able to withstand extreme torture that maims for life. Nobody deserves to suffer a living hell like that, even if he is a homewrecker and a lousy shit.”

Mrs Edmunds went on to dish out photographs of her ex-husband to waiting journalists, together with a list of his “ten greatest phobias”.