Although it seems a little early to worry about your future after leaving Aberystwyth, it is perhaps as well to consider what you will be doing for the immediate five years or so. You may be an ambitious young solicitor, an up and coming politician (give us a break, will you?) or a budding prostitute but the one activity you can guarantee you will be doing is going to weddings. No sooner than your friends are released into the howling wilderness of graduation than they begin pair-bonding in order to find security, companionship and an outside chance of financial support (accountants with first class degrees should beware underachieving arts graduates with a predatory gleam in their eyes). It is helpful to possess some idea of correct wedding protocol since you will almost certainly need it in the foreseeable future, and you don't want to be the one who remains sitting when everyone else is raising their glasses to the bride. More importantly than this, you want to understand how these customs operate in practice. It might help you avoid an embarrassing gaff, such as your own marriage.
You will first hear about an impending engagement several weeks before it happens, which is usually long before the fiancé becomes aware of it. The following six months after the official announcement are occupied with long phone calls in which you agree with mutual friends that "It's far too soon!", despite the fact that everyone has been saying it was on the cards since X and Y started going out two years ago. Eventually somebody, often the bride's mother, calms down long enough to suggest a date and organise the guest list. Rest assured that you will be informed of this some months, or even years in advance, although the formal invitation probably won't arrive until the week before.
Couples finally tying the knot are often under the mistaken impression that a wedding is their day and the people they invite will be celebrating their exchange of vows. In fact, everyone is looking forward to a bloody good reunion and drinking unmatched since the degree results came out. If you are the bride, it is as well to accept that someone will punch your father out before the end of the evening. Etiquette dictates that all ex-partners are invited, either to rub their faces in it or allow them a deep sigh of relief. In addition, it is essential that several of your friends no longer see eye to eye having undergone a spectacularly bitter separation a week before your own engagement. This adds a certain frisson of excitement to any social gathering.
In addition to the guest list, there is the present list. This is a range of expensive domestic appliances, such as dishwashers and electric trouser penguins, selected by the happy couple from an obscure department store with one branch in Aberdeen. The result of this careful organisation is always the same - everyone goes to Currys instead. It will serve the bride and groom right when they end up with fifty Kenwood mixers and a hideous vase (no one knows why, by default, guests will always opt for a Kenwood mixer; possibly there is some deep sexual connotation here but if there is, we'd rather not think about it). If you are faced with the worst possible choice - a free one - here are advance notices of some new products that will be released on to the market soon:
Your next problem is transport and the sheer logistics of getting to an obscure village church in a backwood area devoid of decent overnight accommodation. Many will opt for the train, but you may not arrive in time; in fact, you may not arrive until the birth of their first child (which in modern marriages, can often take place on the steps of the church after the ceremony). Having a car would seem ideal, until everyone else finds out and you end up driving to Southend by way of Edinburgh in order to pick up another five guests. However, a car really comes into its own after the ceremony, when you find that the venue for the reception is in a completely different county; unfortunately, the map or directions you are given by the bride's family might leave you stranded in entirely the wrong place, such as Belgium.
When it comes to the service, appreciate that there are two types of vicars:
a) "Songs of Praise" presenters. Sample sermon:
"Wewcome evewybody to our beautiful church and to this, the joining of Simon and Wendy in that bwessed awwangement. Pwease feel fwee to weave a donation in the pwate by the door on your way out..."
b) "Hellfire and Brimstone" preachers. Sample sermon:
"HEAR YE, ON THIS SOLEMN OCCASION OF THE MARRIAGE OF SIMON TO WENDY IN THE RABID FEAR AND TERROR OF GOD! KNEEL, SINNERS! EMPTY YOUR WALLETS NOW!!"
Experts suggest that the second is often more appropriate. There is a third type of wedding minister, the Registry Clerk. Sample sermon:
"Do you? Do you? Right, get knotted. Next!"
The church ceremony can often be an eye-opener for guests. The choice of hymns may be wilfully obscure, particularly when you can't remember either of the bride or groom saying anything more religious than, "Oh God, I'm comingggg!!!" If you are not a regular church-goer, it may help to practise your behaviour in front of the mirror beforehand; concentrate on a barely visible lip movement that approximately synchronises with the words of both "Jerusalem" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit", or perfect that nonchalant, hands in pockets, idly glancing around, atheist's prayer posture.
After the service, remember that the bride and groom leave first and it is considered bad manners to squeeze past, leap in your car, rev the engine and tear off to the reception "to beat the rush". Besides, the official photographer will wish to wield his or her moment of glory and power by bossing everyone about from the bride's mother down. This can occupy some considerable time. When the moon comes out, you should be insistent and make your way to the reception.
The reception is for many, the highlight of the day. It is a shame then that it is often ruined by getting out of your car and realising you've left your present at home. Assuming you are able to explain this to the bride's ex-con brother who is acting as bouncer on the door, and enter the dining room still in full possession of your limbs, you will discover the seating arrangements. This is frequently the cause for some to wonder if they are quite such good friends of the bride or groom as they thought, particularly when they have the corner table near the toilets. In the other room. Otherwise, the seating is usually organised to ensure a good mix of old and young, friends and family and to avoid large tables of ex-college pals who might enjoy themselves too much and make everyone else feel left out. In practise, this means you will be sitting with a mutual acquaintance of the opposite sex, two fidgety brats separated from their parents and Auntie Beryl, who the rest of the family can't stand owing to her patronising way with kids. Auntie Beryl will insist on believing you and your friend are dating, and nothing short of murdering each other in cold blood will convince her otherwise, so you might as well snog each other with full tongue in front of her and hope to make her feel ill. The brats will giggle, cry and horse around manically, and their parents will be attending to their needs so often that they will feel like part of your table. You could try quietening them down by telling them a story; "Winnie the Pooh and the Terrible, Screaming, Slow Death" always makes a powerful impression on young minds.
By this time, you should be starving. Hotel meals are usually of a very high standard but sadly nouvelle - no, you didn't get the kid's portion, that's the main course. It is a brave, and brief, guest who complains loudly and sends it back. Try to distract Auntie Beryl and steal her food. Remember that even this will be better than the hippy, earth mother-type bride serving up fresh placenta quiche at her first child's christening in a few years.
While you are struggling with dessert, mints, wine and coffee, your champagne glass will be filled. Don't drain it immediately and demand a refill or worse, pull a can of Boddies out of your jacket. This signifies that the speeches are about to commence. There will be several speakers, including the bride's father, the best man, the groom and Auntie Beryl, who won't shut up. Here is an outline of the typical best man's speech:
<Stiff, formal introduction to people usually called "Oi! Y'old bastard!">You can adapt this outline to the other speeches, substituting appropriate names. Remember that it is customary for the bride's father to hideously insult his wife; he has been waiting for this opportunity for years. The bride's mother for her part will often become very emotional; the occasion reminds her of the last time she experienced marital happiness. After the speeches, the cake is cut. This destruction of a sickly-sweet piece of confectionary by cold, hard steel symbolises wedded bliss.<What a pleasure, etc., blah blah. Awesome responsibilities but relieved to have discharged them with honour. Waffle, waffle.>
<Long and winding anecdote about the groom, finishing in utterly dull punchline. Wait for audience laughter. Wait longer. Give up.>
<Pause for groom to give false laugh and make mock threat of execution.>
<Narrowly avoid complimenting bride on her skill in bed.>
<What a pleasure (reprise). Please raise your glasses to...blah blah. Fin.>
The remainder of the reception is taken up by a cheap disco playing "Dancing Queen" and "Rock Around the Clock" for the bride's father. This, finally, is your cue to get absolutely, life-threateningly, radioactively pissed. Many people prefer to change out of their formal clothes for the evening reception; I suggest using the old overalls you wore to creosote the fence with last week. Weddings are notorious for starting relationships that often lead to more weddings, and coincidentally ending others a month before they were due to involve a wedding themselves. Before indulging in a game of tonsil tennis while everyone else photographs you, check the following:
Most important of all, when you awake the next day in a roadside verge off the A40, check you're not carrying a marriage certificate yourself!
Ade "Three Weddings and a Fractured Knuckle" Rixon