A new magazine hit the stands this month and, if you weren't too busy rediscovering the seafront pubs every night for a week, you might have noticed it was aimed at students. "Unique" (great title, people, must have taken at least five minutes creative brainstorming with the marketing dweebs) promised "Life, the University and Everything" in its first issue. Quite apart from the fact that byline has already been used by a far superior journal of repute (ahem), how does this amazing claim stand up? Well let's re-write it - "Sex, Sex and Sex".
Regrettably I was forced to purchase a copy of this poorly-disguised wank mag for the purposes of journalistic research. Smuggling it out of the newagents between the pages of "Big Jugs Monthly", I rushed home to unstick the pages. "Unique" boasted a full and frank guide to student sex. Unfortunately, this must have fallen out of my copy and I was left with the damp patch. Titillation, tenth rate innuendo once rejected by the Carry On scriptwriters and a complete lack of any useful information whatsoever left me feeling vaguely used and soiled. One could say it was like having one's mind fucked without permission, but "Unique" was hardly aiming at such cerebral areas. The general messages were "Get yer end away", "Take it like a lady, darlin'" and "What's AIDS anyway?". The emotional factor in a successful sexual relationship, always the most difficult part after figuring out which end of the condom goes over your tackle, was entirely neglected. I would weep for anyone unfortunate enough to have dated a "Unique" contributor, but I doubt such people exist. An article on obtaining "full-on pulling power" ended with the dubious punchline, "get yourself a ticket for the last train to shag central", which was about as amusing as an unwanted pregnancy (although the likelihood of this was small after following the sensitive advice being doled out). The real meat, and I apologise to any "Unique" readers who have just wet themselves at my use of the phrase, was contained in a guide to "top tips on oral sex" - ah, skills for life. A talent for cocksucking is almost essential in today's cut-throat career market. I really can't go on, and I don't want to sound like Simon Tory, but this was a far more demeaning and cheapening experience than any I have ever had in bed. Thank christ I managed to lose my virginity before I read this.
Elsewhere in "Unique", by now seeming rather less unique and more like "Cosmo" without the laughs, was more sex for a change. The featured city in the travel section was Amsterdam; "Vox Pop" discussed chatup lines; "Therapy?", the aptly-titled agony section, limited itself to crap jokes about urination and sex; "Whore-oscopes" managed to be even sadder than the name suggests. But let's be fair...no, let's not...oh, what the hell, it's their first issue... The careers section might at least provoke readers into considering their future between pints and I even thought I spotted some useful advice. It seemed as if you really would have more chance of finding a job than getting laid by reading "Unique"; no small achievement in these times. Finally, the Ents guide was disposable but a worthy attempt; it would be good value if the cover price wasn't ¤2.95 (reduced for the first issue). And I thought it was aimed at students. The irony of their concerned pieces about student funding kills me.
So all in all, one cheer for the careers articles, boo-hiss for the price and a good, stiff fisting for the piss-poor sex guide. Gizza job.
Ade Rixon.