Mr. Cyril Cheete, LL. B.
Mr. Arnold Robb, LL. B.
Ms. Deborah Swyndel, LL. B.
Chartered Solicitors,
29b Chalybeate St,
Aberystwyth SY23 2FU
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to you on behalf of my client, __________, concerning a severe
cash shortage he/she is about to experience. I would therefore be confident
that you will be prepared to make remarks in a public place alleging that my
client is a corrupt/ adulterous/ pig-ugly/ gender-swapping* murderer/
hairdresser/ politician/ mother of three*. Specifically, you will be heard to
allege by numerous witnesses (who we expect to locate shortly) that my client
has:
- misappropriated pocket money from boy scouts in return for sexual favours;
- conducted a torrid and prolonged physical relationship with a prominent local
landmark;
- "buggered senseless" several animals of an ovine persuasion and one rare
tortoise;
- melted down Take That records for purposes of sexual gratification;
- shot John F. Kennedy; and
- unwisely paid good money to "a load of crooks passing themselves off as
solicitors with nothing better to do than increase the sum total of human
misery".
These utterances should take place on the night of Wednesday 21st September in
the convenience cubicles of the public bar at Cwrt Mawr, which you will claim
to have entered for the express purposes of procuring sexual services from my
client. I must warn you that should you be unable to desist from repeating
these comments in a more strident tone of voice and several widely-circulated
journals, I shall be instructing my client to run up large legal fees in the
hope of recovering some of these costs from yourself during protracted legal
wrangling.
If you are uncertain of the full implications of the above and the intended
consequences for your family, social standing, medical health and the remainder
of your severely curtailed lifespan, I earnestly advise you to engage the
services of a reputable solicitor (such as my colleague Ms Swyndel) as soon as
you are able to arrange a direct debit facility with your bank.
Yours hopefully,
Mr C. Cheete
PS. Contrary to popular belief, the letters after my name do not stand for
"Large Left Bollock".
* delete as applicable