Make Mine a Double...

An essay for the newly single

OK, so...she left me. Hey, I think it was the right move for both of us, you know? In fact, I was hoping she'd suggest it because we the relationship was coming to the end of the line I guess. You know, there were no surprises, and we never seemed to really spark off each other like we used to when we started going out three fucking years ago ... she said ... and I agree. Of course I agree. Why shouldn't I? Hey, don't think that I'm one to mope and try and recapture past glories. Not me, bud.

So I'm free again. Single. Just me. Alone against the world. Totally and utterly alo... I like the freedom - in fact, I think I've adjusted brilliantly to it. You forget what it's like to rely on your own resources, to realise that it's just you, that you're free to make your own choices without stopping to reflect. I mean, standing at the end of the pier screaming "Oh god, come back to me!!" is just a form of exorcism; it's part of the healing process and it's good healing.

Of course, some people can't cope. They think, "Oh no, it's the end of my love life, no more romance, I can't go on without them". Not me. I feel very liberated by it. I get out and socialise. Well, I haven't yet, but I'm definitely going out tonight...although actually, I've got to shred some letters and photos tonight. But next week, absolutely definitely. No, I'm not just going out to meet someone else. I'm enjoying my freedom too much right now. OK, so I did try chatting up the till girl in the Spar last night but that was just a bit of harmless flirting. Just keeping my hand in, getting back into practise for when I do want to tap off. Hey, if you don't believe me then too bad. I managed to convince the police eventually. Well how was I to know she was so highly-strung?

No, I don't really miss sex either. Well, you get bored with it, don't you? All that heaving and panting. Sometimes celibacy is essential just to freshen your senses, I think. It's a period of re-evaluation, and sometimes that does involve staying up all night sobbing and holding the valium bottle in shaking hands. It's a test of strength. Besides, someone found me and got me to the hospital in plenty of time last night.

I don't really notice girls much now. OK, so occasionally I see a good looker in the street and mentally run through a "candlelit dinner, great sex, marriage, kids and mortgage" scenario, but doesn't everyone?

Bitter? Just a pint, thanks. Ha, just a little joke there! See, my sense of humour is still intact. No, I'm not bitter at all. I think I settled for a bit less than I deserved really, that's all; she could be a spiteful cow at times. It's not a criticism, some people can't help it really, can they? I'm sure she'll grow out of it. Find some loser closer to her personality type. But it was a valuable experience, putting up with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really, truly, really, honestly glad I'm out of it, honestly, truly, but it was a very worthwhile three years. I don't honestly think I could have been with anyone better; well, not since the girl I really fancied at the time blew me out.

Yeah, I've got a beard. I should shave sometime. She always hated it when I got stubbly, so I guess I'm just rebelling a bit now, you know? Same reason I sank that bottle of Bells the other night. Some people really hit the booze at times like this, but I'm sensible. One or two at night, a few more to help me sleep, maybe one for breakfast just to start the day and, OK, a bit in the afternoon to stave off a hangover, but nothing really heavy.

So, all in all, I'm coping quite well, thanks. I can't pretend it's not the same...in the wee hours, when I'm feeling a bit alone and the pills are all gone, and I think "Shit, I've swallowed the lot!", it gets a bit hard then. But that's happening less and less now; just once or twice a day. Hey, are you doing anything tonight? Oh, oh, I see. Yeah, I guess it does look like it needs washing. OK, not to worry. Me? I'll probably just stay in and have a quiet tipple. Yeah, no problem...

Are YOU a sad, single bastard?

Take this simple quiz and find out!

Compiler's Note: yes, it's written from a male perspective. I tried to make it unisex but it didn't make any sense. Before you whinge about political correctness, think about this: I don't bloody care.

Do you automatically assume that every woman who looks twice at you wants to go to bed?
a) No, I see people as individual souls whose friendship and outlook will enrich my own life;
b) Only after a few pints when I get maudlin;
c) What do you mean, she was gagging for it!
When you hear a Whitney Houston record, do you:
a) say "switch that crap off!";
b) go all sniffley and pull out a snot-ridden hankerchief as you think of the way your ex. used to sing along to the radio;
c) write to Whitney saying you know how she feels, asking her to marry you and enclosing a pair of your y-fronts?
How would you commit suicide?
a) Cleanly with a drug overdose, but there's no reason to;
c) Hanging by your neck outside your ex.'s window with your genitals chopped off and her name carved into your chest;
c) Suicide?? With all these gorgeous BABES dying to meet me??!
When Valentine's Day comes around do you:
a) enjoy the romantic overtones but realise that there is more to a good relationship than flowers and cards once a year;
b) whinge to everyone you meet about what a load of over-commercialised bollocks it is and how you just pretend it isn't happening, I mean, it makes me want to puke, all those red hearts, YUK, etc. etc.;
c) leap out on that girl you've been smitten with for weeks, armed only with a shite poem you spent five hours agonising over and wearing nothing but a red ribbon around your cock;
d) both of the above two.
What did you write in your last Valentines card?
a) "Here's to the good times. Always on my mind, A.";
b) "I can't live without you! If you don't take me back, I'll kill myself tonight! I love you madly, please don't say it's over...(and on and on, for ten pages)";
c) "Rot in hell, you ugly bitch. I never loved you anyway, I only went out with you for a bet. PS. It was me that gave you VD. Hahaha!"
Do you think masturbation is:
a) fun for two;
b) occasionally necessary;
c) something you can stop anytime, honest, ah ... ah ... ah ...;
d) God's most precious gift to humanity.
What do you go to the pub for?
a) To socialise over a pleasant drink or three and relax after a hard week;
b) To get disgustingly drunk and share lower examples of toilet humour with your close mates to the exclusion and irritation of everyone else;
c) To fail miserably with all the barmaids;
d) To oggle everything anatomically compatible, chat someone up, fail miserably and end up moping in the corner while trying to wank under the table.
What do you do in your spare time:
a) Take plenty of exercise, both mental and physical, preferably with other like-minded people;
b) Lie in bed imagining the hand in your undies belongs to someone else;
c) Work on your personal goal of learning the names and pubic hair colour of every Playboy centrefold since 1975 by heart.
Who is your ultimate sexual fantasy figure?
a) Marilyn Monroe, the actress;
b) Jo Guest, the page 3 model;
c) Larry, the Lamb;
d) Marilyn Monroe, the cadaver.
What do think of inflatable dolls?
a) I need a human being, not a plastic partner;
b) Hot damn, she was good last night;
c) Boring - I prefer the LuvSheep 2000X with vibrating ass and real wool.
What was the last film you saw?
a) Unforgiven - an excellent evening's entertainment, powerful and moving;
b) The Bodyguard - you cried all the way through it;
c) Nympho Nuns III: Candid Confessions of Carrie - you also secreted bodily fluids all the way through.
What's your favourite chat up line:
a) I don't have one - I take things naturally and try to get to know someone as a person first;
b) "Do you come here often?"
c) "Do you come often?"
d) "Shag me senseless" - if she says it;
e) "Baby, I can tell you're ripe for plunder, let me hack through your undergrowth and penetrate your moist temple of lurve."
f) "I haven't slept with a woman since before the recession began so please, please, PLEASE will you make love to me or I'll shoot myself."
g) "How about a threesome with your friend?"
h) "How about a threesome with my friend?"
i) "How about a threesome with my hamster?"
j) "How much do you charge?"

Scoring:

Ade Rixon