...So begins a press release from said department dated 28th June. It concerns a letter from John Patten, recently voted the most popular unemployment statistic in the country after his blessed removal from the cabinet (Mr Patten then attempted to hide in the wardrobe instead but was later found and removed by Mrs Major). The release begins:

"Patten moves to underpin standards in Higher Education"

Already we see signs of eroded standards, since "underpin" should obviously have been "undermine". If one can't rely on the Department of Education for correct choice of English, who can one turn to? Perhaps it wouldn't have counted as "news" if they had got it right.

"Education Secretary John Patten today took steps to ensure that British higher education maintains its world class reputation for quality and standards."

Regrettably, Mr Patten failed to take the single, most requested step to achieve this, which was off a high cliff on to some tall spikes. The release goes on to outline Mr Patten's "revised and strengthened" criteria for the Higher Education Quality Council (the surest sign that the quality of anything is in doubt appears when a "quality assurance" body is formed), under which it decides those institutions able to award their own degrees (as opposed to job lots of degrees bought cheap from retiring Oxbridge graduates) and adapt the title "University". Rumours that the criteria were tightened up after an application was received from Alf's Corner Grocery in Coronation Street asking to become "Alf's Corner University, purveyor of first class degrees (and groceries)" are so far unconfirmed.

Mr Patten goes on to say that, "I am determined that there should be no suggestion, from any quarter, that the world class standard of British higher education is not being maintained." Presumably then he will be enforcing the wearing of gags for all students, or am I getting confused with his attempts to introduce voluntary NUS membership?

In brief, the new criteria say that an institute in question must promise faithfully, cross its heart and hope to die, cub's honour, that it has been a fine and upstanding institution and it will try ever so hard to maintain this record. In other words, it has provided a bit of teaching and research in the recent past and these went quite well, on the whole, all things considered, rough with the smooth, best that can be expected under the circumstances, etc.

These tough and demanding criteria are but a small part of the Government's commitment to the Citizen's Charter initiative, according to Mr Patten (note for those still voting Tory: the Citizen's Charter says that an organization can do what the hell it likes providing there's a profit and you, the "consumer", have the right to have your complaints completely ignored rather than responded to with an openly rude letter which is what the organization would prefer to do).

In a separate release, dated 4th July, the Minister for Further and Higher Education, Tim Boswell, shouts the praises of mature students for creating an "unsung revolution". Yes, I too have noticed the appalling fashion sense of the average mature student on campus. But no, Mr Boswell means that they now constitute the majority of all students at university. Well, well. Now that's something worth making a fuss over, though perhaps not for the same reasons that are giving Mr Boswell orgasmic waves of joy. So most students are no longer young school leavers who wish to gain full academic qualifications and life skills prior to embarking on a successful and rewarding career (the reader may wish to browse some of these unfamiliar terms in a dictionary)? No, he or she is more likely to be a redundant or unpromoted worker wishing to retrain in hopes of rising above their present level of subsisdence and fortunately possessing a sufficient pay off to fund themselves?

A gross generalisation and anyway it's not that obvious. "Mature students" for this purpose are actually classified as those over 21 years of age. Not that this makes any difference where funding bodies are concerned, but you'll be relieved to know that it is of vital significance to Mr Boswell's career. Perhaps if he wishes to shout really loud, he could declare that "mature" is over 18 (the antics of Ceredigion Hall residents would lead us to argue otherwise) and thus our universities are absolutely bursting with mature students. This would then enable him to further spread the dwindling amounts of public funding at his disposal. Hurrah for wise government! And fetch the matches.

Situations Wanted:

Mature ex-cabinet minister seeks (financially) rewarding position in any organisation unsuspecting enough to employ him. Possesses ridiculous coiffure and deep streak of arrogant dislikeability. Able to work on own initiative, to the extent of totally ignoring both sound advice and common sense. Will not work for anyone called "John". Contact: Caretaker's Storeroom, Dept of Education, London.