So you want to be President?

OK, so you've got the fake charm, the sincerely insincere smile and even the gorilla outfit (or perhaps you don't need one). That will get you through the nominations but have you got the bullshit to fend off a rabid pack of voters at the hustings? Read the Courier's guide to lying your arse off and perhaps you too could have your name pilliored in these hallowed pages next year.

• "The Student Union needs reforming!" - "I need to clear my slate at the Glengower."
• "I will improve Guild communications" - "...When I find the place."
• "The Guild ought to be made more accountable" - "What GM?"
• "The Union desperately needs more condom/tampon/jellybaby machines" - "I got caught short last Saturday at a 1:0:1"
• "There should be more live bands at the Union" - "It's hell for us to get gigs these days."
• "I will seek to improve safety on campus" - "...By locking myself in the office most of the time."
• "We need to take the Union out of the hands of the hacks" - "...And put it into the hands of the prats."
• "I will ensure that bar prices are lowered to 50p a pint" - "...And I will get the Principal to dance a naked jig on a tightrope across Cardigan Bay."
• "Guild policies do not reflect the views of the students" - "I am a Tory."
• "We should take the politics out of this election" - "If I have to admit I'm a Tory, I'm dead!"
• "The Guild is too much of a clique" - "...And I wanna join!"
• "Every year we hear the same old promises and what happens? Nothing!" - "Every year someone says this and what happens? Nothing!"
• "I will fight for increased grants and fewer loans!" - "Because obviously John Major is hanging on my every word."
• "I will make my voice heard" - "...Though not any rational thoughts."
• "It is time someone stood up to the college" - "...So if I wear a tie, maybe they'll take me seriously."
• "Vote for me because I'm the only person for the job" - "Vote for me because I confuse confidence with arrogance."
• "As you can tell, I'm allied with Plaid Cymru, Labour students and the Hare Krishnas" - "...In the hope that one of them will give me a job when I'm finished."
• "I can cure the sick, lead the blind and turn water into wine" - "...So why the hell am I running for this shitty little job?"