Newsgroups: uk.singles References: From: ajr@aber.ac.uk (Ade Rixon) Organization: University Of Wales, Aberystwyth - Party town! Subject: Re: Loose Ends In article , richard@maher.demon.co.uk (Richard Maher) writes: > [about good places to meet that special person] > *The London underground or a bus. If you can talk someone into a date during a two minute journey through a tunnel, you probably don't need to read this newsgroup. Particularly if they're the sort of snarling, miserable bastards who give you hard eye every time you attempt to read the adverts over their head. Assuming you are this good/completely bloody stupid, do not go further than arranging a time and place. That live rail can give you a nasty burn down your back, and no flimsy piece of rubber is going to protect you from *that*. > *Supermarkets Supermarkets are a very good place to meet single people. Look for: a) women taking a long time near the cucumbers; b) men trying to find the ripest melons. Really large supermarkets have the advantage that, if you talk fast, you can buy everything you need for a romantic meal on your way round - food, wine, contraceptives and lots of that canned whipped cream stuff. NB. Only attempt to pick up other customers. Checkout staff are a waste of time, not least because a crazed Rottweiler would treat you with more tenderness and understanding than any one of these socially-repressed and plain pissed off psychos. Look at how they treat your vegetables. Now wince and try and catch that off duty nurse with the carrier bag stuffed with cucumbers before she gets in her Fiesta. If all else fails, look sad and pathetic whilst lingering over the Findus frozen foods "Meals for Sad Cases" section. But don't do it for too long or the staff may think you are one of those weirdos who just wants to strip off and dive into the freezer cabinet when no one is looking. Mrs Bickersby hasn't shopped at Northampton Sainsburys since that time she thought she was picking up a pork chop for Sidney and got more meat than she bargained for. > *Night Clubs For the perfect pickup, you need to go somewhere quiet, where you can talk freely and expansively about your many and varied interests, where you can indulge in deep and intimate conversations with the other to learn all about their ambition to climb K2 naked with a toothpick, where you don't need to be a brilliant dancer, and where the ambience somehow lends itself to your needs. For all these reasons, the nightclub is the perfect place to get off with someone. Firstly, who wants a perfect pickup? In your state, you just want SEX; then you can calm down long enough to form some taste. Secondly, you don't want the fart of thinking up intelligent and incredibly witty remarks all night, and you certainly don't want the alternative long silences, bored looks around the room and stifled yawns. Christ forbid you have to take an interest in someone else's problems for five minutes. Haven't you got enough of your own? Like not having had sex with someone since the duvet? Well in a really good nightclub, it's just too damn NOISY for you to be heard. Sign language is de rigeur, and I'm sure you can guess the only two signs you need (one for asking and one for rejection). As for being a brilliant dancer - when did you last see such a rarity in a nightclub? Proper dancers get jobs in the chorus line on a Jimmy Tarbuck show. You can wrap the ambience, such as it is until I can think of a better phrase than "smell of cheap perfume and vomit", around you by dancing like a BSE-stricken cow. It gets you noticed - people stop and say, "Hey, check that dick out!". Which is what you wanted, right? If they don't notice you, you can thrust your elbows into the smalls of peoples' backs. And if they don't like you doing that, you can work off some of that sexual aggression in the subsequent bloodbath. So it's thumbs up for nightclubs then. > **Better places to meet the ideal partner > *At work, a club, society, church etc. Start with the priest or vicar, whatever your gender. If you're in Galway, Ireland, you can't lose and might even gain a child. If you're not homosexual and the vicar is, try the wife he married to conceal his orientation from the enlightened modern day church. At work, always submit to the boss. Then tell the equality people about him/her. You can have a shag *and* a good promotion from a company eager to cover up any scandal. This is the opposite of what happens in most modern corporations - they normally get to screw you and demote you to the UB40 queue. Clubs can be highly successful if you join the right ones. Naturist clubs, for instance. Although if you're really desperate you'll probably need another sort of club to beat down your excitement. Other good clubs to try are: any exclusive club in the Soho area frequented by men who look a lot like that bloke who was on Panorama last night; aerobics clubs, because the female members will assume that any man who joins in must be a bit special (correct) and quite sensitive (especially to lycra); wine clubs, because you can get pissed when all else fails. It is true that members of societies often have common interests. Though these are usually hidden behind the interest the society ostensibly supports. Be honest, isn't that what you're doing? You'd never tell your mates about your basketweaving skills. Thankfully, there is less emphasis on appearance in a typical club or society, which is probably why most of the members can go around looking like fallen racehorses without being put down humanely. > Life isn't like that You wish. Ade_ / -- :Ade Rixon - Systems Support, CS dept, UWAber, SY23 3DB, UK :: ajr@aber.ac.uk: "All my stuff was never good enough, My love wanted more..." - "My Love Lives in a Dead House", Love & Money