Ade hits and runs...

I can't pretend that I like cars. As a method of transport, they do have a few teething problems; namely massive environmental damage, associated major losses of life and limb and ability to get stuck in traffic. Minor details you may think as you strap yourself into that Lagonda and prepare to smear a few grannies all over your bonnet, but such matters concern me a little. Obviously I realise that the Dept of Transport has, for some years now, issued a comprehensive and (apparently) entirely forgettable book of rules that are intended to promote road safety and consideration. But hell, that's just the stuff you learn to pass the test, right? No-one really takes any notice of it out there. You need a whole different set of guidelines for life (or otherwise) on the road. So rev them horses, sharpen your hubcaps and wise up to The Real Highway Code:

1. At all times remember that everyone else is a bastard out to cut you up, run you into a lorry, slow you down and give you an ulcer.
2. Always drive as close to eighty as you can get, even if it means doing ninety.
3. Never give a sucker an even break.
4. If you end up maiming anyone, it's your own fault for not killing them outright.
5. Black oily fumes pouring copiously out of your exhaust are a good sign that your engine is being kept clean.
6. Never make allowances for motorcyclists, unless you're allowing enough room to clip their panniers and send them into a ditch. If they don't want to drive something as visible as a BMW then fuck 'em.
7. Correct use of hazard warning lights: if you wish to stop anywhere, at any time, for whatever reason, and for however long, be assured that using your hazard warning lights will make it all OK; in the middle of the M4, on a mountainside, on a narrow country road, in a bus stop, etc. It's other drivers' problems to ensure that they avoid your vehicle and a brush with your Insurance sharks.
8. Pedestrians are a pain in the arse who make a nasty mess on your radiator grill that takes ages to clean off. Small kids can crack your windscreen. If you can't possibly avoid hitting them (and let's face it, why the hell should you?), make sure you subsequently sue either them or their next of kin for every penny you can get - they'll think twice next time.
9. Alcohol is a first-class relaxant for combating the stress of modern driving. Never worry about drinking too much - the only time you're unfit to drive whilst under the influence is when you've passed out at the wheel.
10. Frequent use of the horn against everyone and everything is recommended at all times. It is especially effective for shifting mothers with prams off zebra crossings - they should be at home, not cluttering up your right of way. The horn is always a good way of shouting "look at me!" when you've bought a new Jag - if it plays "Born to be Wild" as well then so much the better. If it doesn't then ensure you fit a 100W stereo to play it instead; this is also good for drowning out the screams of pedestrians.
11. If you come across any road which does not meet the standard of at least a dual carriageway, complain to your local roads department. If they haven't moved several thousand tons of national park and demolished six villages in order to upgrade it by next week at the latest, inform the Dept of Transport. Remember your inalienable rights as a motorist.
12. Overtake everything in front going slower than you. If they're not going slower, you need a faster car. Any other vehicle bar a juggernaut coming the other way should be expected to use the verge.
13. Never be afraid to wind the window down and pass comment on the actions of other drivers. The subsequent distraction can help cut down on the number of fucking idiots using the roads.
14. Wherever you're going, and however trivial or important the reason for going there, it is always more essential that you get there than that anyone else reaches their destination. Time is always critical - never let anyone slow you down and ensure that your car is capable of outrunning any police vehicles. A rifle is always useful for shooting down pursuing helicopters or shooting out their tyres. It's also fun. The police should be catching criminals, not hassling innocent motorists such as yourself.
15. Road markings and signs should be regarded as advisory only; only a nutcase would take serious notice of them. Besides, they're only intended for arseholes who don't know better than you.
16. All men know that women drivers are dangerous lunatics who, at their best, will follow all the signs and the DoT Highway Code to the letter. At their worst, they steer like they're in the throes of an intense biological experience. You know that letting women drive was as dumb as giving them the vote. They just get in the way of sensible motorists like yourself - pass them immediately, whatever the circumstance.
17. All women know that ancient codes of chivalry are crushed under Dunlop treads on the roads. Male drivers are dickheads who show as much control on the road as they do in bed. Other female drivers are simply hedge fodder. They just get in the way of sensible motorists like yourself - pass them immediately, whatever the circumstance.
18. No surrender. No quarter. No rules. No mercy. No speed limits. And no brakes. When the ambulance crew pulls your twitching limbless torso and ruined good looks out of the wreckage of your sports car, console yourself with the utterly certain knowledge that you were in the right.