Evil brews
You were out last night. You had a good time. In fact, you had a fucking ace
time! The beer and good humour flowed freely, the place was swinging, the
people were beautiful, all your mates were there.
But now it's the morning after. Ohhhhh nooooo.... Your head feels like it's
been extruded through a beer pump. Your limbs ache all over with the slightest
movement. From the lower end of the duvet erupts the first of many Guinnessy
farts to shatter the peace and kill all the birds in the trees (an act which is
no loss to your state of mind, seeing as the noisy bastards are making your
head quake).
Never mind the minor ailments. The vital question in any hangover situation is:
can you remember how you got that way? If the answer is yes, the memories might
be painful enough to have you shrivelling up with embarrassment. But amnesia
could prompt a whole series of fresh questions:
- What did I drink? Bitter? Guinness? Rum? Tequila? Domestos? Four
star?
- How many pints of it did I have? This might not be important if you
were on lager, but the question takes on a whole new awesome significance if
you can still taste creme de menthe.
- Did I sleep with anyone? If you can't recall, prepare to ensure one or
several dirty looks or hopeless giggles from complete strangers in the
street.
- Did I sleep with the person lying next to me? Oh-oh, prepare to endure
a dirty look or hopeless giggle right now.
- What sex is the person next to me anyhow? Oh dear...
- Did I make any commitment? Oh oh...
- What's this marriage licence next to the bed? Oh shit...
- Where's my left leg? Never mind that, what about the marriage
licence??
- No, where is my left leg?! You traded it for your right to go
on living after you threw up over that biker's girlfriend.
- Hang on, I'm lying next to my regular partner. That's a relief.
- But why is s/he lying next to my best mate, and why have none of us got
any clothes on?? My, we do get adventurous and lose our inhibitions after a
few vodka and cokes, don't we? There are more important questions to follow
though...
- Whose idea was this in the first place? Ahem, I'd worry more about the
people you didn't manage to persuade into joining you, actually.
- What counselling organisations exist to help me get over last night?
The Samaritans? Student Nightline? Relate? RSPCA?
- What should I do next?
Throwing up is usually a good option at this
point. Avoid the...
- Damn!
...Carpet. Too bad, you missed the bin.
- How can I avoid this in future?
Drop out of college and get a job.
- See you in the pub tonight then?
Indeed.
Ade Rixon.