Tinkerbell's Revenge

Paranoid delusion or reality?

Watch out! The fairies are back in force and they're pissed off! And before the Gay and Lesbian movement start shouting, I'm talking about the nasty, spritely kind. Stop looking at me like that. They're real sons of bitches now; even the Tooth Fairy has taken to smashing in gobs in order to collect the goods. Whenever something in your life goes badly wrong - dog dies, parents discover your drug habit, council tax people find your address - you can be sure it was the work of the 'fair' folk. It is now vital to be aware of this new threat. Hence I present a guide to some of the more dangerous and common ones:

The Bruise Fairy: whenever you get drunk and pass out, the bruise fairy sneaks up and batters you around a bit while you're too stupified to notice. This is the cause of those mysterious black and blue patches that appear all over your body the next day. Ignore the story your friends tell about how you threw up on that rugby player's girlfriend and he half-massacred you; it was the bruise fairy that did it.

The Exchange & Mart Fairy: the E&M fairy swaps round all your belongings when you're not looking. This is how your socks become odd pairs in the laundry, your groceries consist of five tins of baked beans instead of the fresh vegetables you thought you were buying, and why your dog now savages you to death when you tickle his stomach. In particularly malicious moments, the E&M fairy also exchanges your limbs while you are passed out when drunk. This is why you can barely walk when you come round ("Hey! Theshe aren't my legsh!"). The fact that this fairy sometimes makes mistakes explains the origin of the phrases "two left feet" and "arse over tit", not to mention the tragic condition of being "cock-eyed".

The Drinks Fairy: the drinks fairy drains all the alcohol out of your pint. This explains why you can never get drunk when you're really in the mood to, despite sinking ten pints of Guinness, three whiskies and a can of diesel fuel. The fairy puts all this stolen alcohol in the drinks of people who only popped in for "a swift half". This also explains a lot.

The Contraconceptive Fairy: this fairy sabotages packs of condoms, ensuring that you always get one which either splits, leaks, pings off under the wardrobe while you are trying to put it on or gets lost in the vagina during sex (requiring forceps ... nine months later). The contraceptive fairy also sabotages a woman's pill pack, confusing her and inducing hysteria in both parties several days later.

The Multiple Orgasms Fairy: this fairy only affects other people.

The Russell Grant Fairy: seen by everyone but believed by no one.

The Fad Fairy: the fad fairy gives pubescent girls lots of money and speaks to them while they sleep, instructing them to buy Take That records and ruining the charts for everyone else. Stamp on it if you ever see the little bastard.

The Airy Fairy: the airy fairy steals lecturers' notes and replaces them with complete garbage which has no relevance to the rest of your life at all. This is also why the exams fail to contain any material which is in your notes.

The Fluff Fairy: the fluff fairy collects huge amounts of dust and toenails and puts great drifts of it under your bed so no matter how often you vacuum, you still have terrible asthma. The fluff fairy is especially active in halls of residence. It used to be thought that the warden fairy was responsible, but that fairy only enters your room while you're in the shower and nicks your money.

The Naff Fairy: this fairy ensures that, whenever you go out, you always end up in the Glengower even if you swore not to.

How to avoid fairies:

1. Stop messing around with all those crystals and tarot cards.

2. Take that dopey look off your face and stop thinking of clouds.

3. Most especially, flush all those drugs down the toilet.

Ade Rixon.