Cooking up a storm

• With a little application and imagination, it is possible to make any packaged food taste even worse than the makers intended.
• If one man can survive for three months on beans and toast, how long will it take for the toilet to become blocked?
• Even the most versatile and exotic recipe can be made to taste of HP sauce and charcoal.
• It is possible to cut shopping times to the minimum by buying only tuna and potato waffles.
• It is never possible to cram more food into a communal freezer compartment owing to the vast amount of potato waffles already in it.
• Pasta makes a versatile and nourishing main meal. For a tasty alternative, try serving it with something else.
• Scurvy is not a purely seventeenth century disease.
• Hospital food can still taste better than your own.
• If you entertain a loved one by serving up fish fingers and beans, the sex better be great.
• A sprig of parsley cannot in any way improve fish fingers and beans.
• Kellogs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are a tasty and satisfying dish, providing you don't burn them.
• Next door's dog is a tasty, satisfying and cheap dish, providing you don't burn it.
• Burning food is just nature's way of ensuring you don't eat the bad bits, by making them stick to the pan.
• When you've lived for a whole term on tuna and waffles, even the scraps your gourmet flatmate leaves in the plughole look appetising.
• When you've lived for a whole term on tuna and waffles, Penbryn food still doesn't look appetising.
• If music be the food of love, can you do CDs in the toaster?
• Successful cooking requires spilling so much food that you might as well eat the lino.
• All the protein, vitamins and fibre in the world aren't worth one, single edible meal.
• Large meals are intended to give you the energy to face the washing up. Unfortunately, this rarely works.
• Tuna and waffles create the very minimum of washing up, particularly if you cook them in the packet. And then eat it.
• Waffle packets taste better than waffles.
• Supermarket own brand food economises on price by removing all the flavour enhancers.
• Cooking with a friend is a good way for both of you to eat food that neither of you really like much every day of the week.
• Cooking a friend is a good way to stop your food being nicked.
• To save margarine, open the tub and sneeze loudly into it in front of all your flatmates; this discourages theft.
• The hardened mess found in the frying pan the morning after a midnight meal is caused by frying bacon in the packet whilst drunk.
• Hunger is infinitely sharpened by burning your finger on the pan whilst rushing, which also lends a piquant edge to mealtimes.
• Good conversation is the cornerstone of any social meal, as it helps to distract attention from your awful cooking and allows guests to hide the worst bits in their napkins unnoticed.
• Skinning a chicken breast has all the appeal of removing someone else's used condom.
• Preparing meat is enough to drive a carnivore to vegetarianism.
• Eating stir fry every night is enough to drive a vegetarian to bacon and sausages.
• Using a large clove of garlic in your cooking is a sure way to be unexpectedly invited out to a social gathering later in the evening.
• You can't go wrong with tuna and waffles. Neither can you live on them.

Ade Rixon.