In an exclusive interview, Ade Rixon tells Ade Rixon just why he's had enough and he's getting out. As an era passes, he reveals all and then offers to put his clothes back on for money.
So Ade, after five years in Aber you're finally off. Why now? Was it the weather? The Sunday afternoons? The Glen?
Nope, it was because I was bored shitless with it.
Nothing to do with the offer of a massive salary elsewhere? Obviously you wouldn't want to be accused of only caring about money.
Erm...actually yes, that was the other reason.
And absolutely unconnected with the rumour that you've been forced to leave before the university sacks you for molesting students?
Look, I thought we weren't going to talk about that...
Of course not...still, you have been molesting students, haven't you?
She's lying! And it's more than four inches too!
Oh OK. And that's why you're going to Oxford, to molest more students?
FOR CHRISSAKES! NO! I'm going to work for a publisher.
Ah, so someone finally noticed your grotty little pieces in the Courier? Fame, fortune and glory are imminent?
Erm...no actually, I'm going to maintain their computers.
Will you still be visiting Aber?
Of course, I'd love to...
Shit...
...come back and see all my old friends again. Even though there's so many and I'm in such demand, I hope to visit all 500 of them as regularly as possible.
Actually, you don't have any friends left, do you?
Erm...no, no I don't.
Because you insulted and abused them all year after year until they stopped talking to you.
Erm...yes. Boohoohoohoohoo...!!
There, there. I'm sure some people out there will still want you to visit.
Sniff...really?
Yes, providing they're allowed visitors. Let's talk about Aber: has it changed much in five years?
Nope. Not a bit. Bugger all difference that I can see. Nothing ever happens here.
(Look, can you stretch this out a bit, we haven't even got to the foot of the page yet.)
Ah, erm, yes, it's changed beyond all recognition! In fact, only last weekend I went away and came back and I honestly thought I was in Biarritz! The ski centre and amusement park were obviously only added last year, and the forthcoming geological upheavals in the Aber grits will result in spectacular scenery making Aber a premier resort for winter sports enthusiasts so...
Yeah OK, don't overdo it. What will you miss about Aber?
The Glen...
Really??!!
...because I never did get to burn it down in the end. On a Friday. At midnight.
Moving swiftly on - anything else?
Yes, of course I'll miss the college with its glorious history, flourishing student welfare and rosy prospects for future expansion.
So the Principal wouldn't let you have your final pay cheque unless you toed the line, huh?
That's right. Personally I think Panty had the right idea, although I wouldn't have stopped at the rent strike, I'd have kidnapped members of Senate and held them to ransom, then cut off their...
Erm yes, quite.
I also bitterly regret leaving behind the Courier and my editorial team, who have worked so hard to publish my magazine and support my astonishing talent.
What about the Union?
What?
The Union?
We have a Union? Do we?? Nah, get away! You're pulling my leg. Student unions have great ents and cheap bars and good shops and stuff, don't they? Never saw nothing like that.
But what about the Guild hustings? You went every year.
I thought that was some sort of annual political satire about ambitious wankers who'd say anything to get into journalism and parliament.
Isn't your good colleague Rob Webb running for Welfare this year?
Well precisely, my point.
What memories of Aber will you treasure?
Well, there's a double bed in 64 Gt Darkgate St that will remain forever stai...
No, I meant printable memories.
Oh...there was that night in Cwrt Mawr bar five years ago when Blackthorns Super Cider was 75p a bottle...
Yes?
...But I don't remember it too well.
You started here as an undergrad, and later tutored and lectured as a member of staff. Do you still like students?
Do you think I'd be tutoring them if I didn't?
Frankly, yes. I've heard it said that your lectures were like aural mogadon for trainspotters.
Well, I studied the greats... Yes, I still like students. No one else can live that "drink ten pints, throw up in the microwave and pass out in the wardrobe" kind of lifestyle with quite the same joi de vivre. Ah, happy days...
Happy days? You used to write scurrilous gossip and paste it on the Alban Davies noticeboard! They hated your guts!
Yes, and look where it got me - editorial team of the Courier! They said I was over-qualified!
Moving on, what do you think is the greatest threat to student welfare today?
Well, some blame the Guild and others blame the government but personally, I've always said it would be a nice university without the college running it.
Pardon??
I mean, have you seen the amount of dosh these bloodsuckers demand?! Hotel rates to live in somewhere like Penbryn?!! If you had serious debts, would you try and pay them off by overcharging students? Whoever handles finances in this place is nuttier than squirrel shit.
<yawn> Have you finished yet?
Well no actually, I was about to discuss accountability, misleading publicity, employing crazed rottweilers as wardens, the shortfalls in student welfare, the positive encouragement given to campus rapists, certain auxiliary staff who could do with a good kick up the arse and then I thought I might return to the subject of accommodation and roundly call everyone concerned with halls provision a bastard.
You're quite bitter and twisted for someone who's only 24, aren't you, Ade?
Well, I studied the greats...
So is there anything you actually like about Aber?
Erm...ummm....ermmmm.....
Take your time...
Well, you know when you're sitting on the seafront with a pint in June, watching the sun set before finding a corner table with your mates and staying in the bar until midnight, having a hysterical conversation about FESS students, then going home and cramming as much tea and toast down your throat as possible prior to falling asleep and not getting up until midday on Saturday?
I'm vaguely familiar with it, yes...
Well I couldn't be happier when doing that than if you smeared whipped cream over my...
OK OK, point taken! I'd like to wrap up now by asking if you don't feel that interviewing yourself is the act of someone whose ego is bigger than their talent?
I'm sure it would be if we were talking about someone of more modest talent.
Ahem. Anything to declare?
To paraphrase Dr Johnson, the man who is tired of Aberystwyth is tired of skiving.
And any final words before you sod off and leave us alone?
I'd just like to say that I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather have constructively dossed for five years and although I like the sea, the scenery, the town, the bars and the general air of squalor, the best thing about Aber is the people and anyone who argues otherwise is a bottom-feeding primaeval lifeform. I'd also like to say cheers and bye to anyone who'll still admit to knowing me, particularly those I only met this year and particularly the Courier team - Rob, Rob, Sarah, Mary-Lou, Paul, Lee; I'd be grateful if they don't keep sending me crap records to review once I've gone. This drivel was brought to you by Andy's Records, the White Horse, Rummers and the Fountain and by the number 6. Stephen Fairclough is god and David Brooks was the walrus. Room 5/09 Alban Davies is the gateway to a parallel universe. Eggs are only 78p for six at Spar. Wot no womens rugby players? Lisa Turnbull is innocent. Kiss me, Kate. Take That and burn it, Claire. "Clarach" is Welsh for "bog peelings". Hey hey, we're the monkees! Why are there no sleeves on this jacket?
Ade Rixon, thank you not at all. In the words of Michael Aspel, this is time you got a life.
Ade Rixon
(Person who's just waved a tearful farewell to the office cat)