Doctor Who on drugs

[Big Words ]

At BB, we're used to disregarding stories about the return of Doctor Who approximately every six months. Usually, these turn out to be either random, hopeful/less speculation or hype for a half-baked spin-off ("Dr Who returns - in cyberspace!"; "Dr Who is back - as a range of exclusive collectible figurines! You'll want to 'exterminate' them all, Who fans!"). For the past fifteen years, the series has been like an embarrassing granny in the BBC's attic that they bring out on special occasions just so everyone can say, "Aw! Isn't she marvellous for her age? Could do with her nappy emptying though..."

But this time, it's different (honest).

Let's look at the BBC's recent stewardship of what was once a premier sci-fi series:

• Successfully manages transition to Peter Davison and whole new set of lovable eccentricities. Daringly introduces ambiguous anti-hero companion called Turlough. Continues experiments with long running story arcs. Regenerates the Master. It can't get better, and indeed - it doesn't.
• Boldly tries a new, unlikeable, indeed downright obnoxious Doctor, in the form of Colin Baker.
• Gets scared, hands role over to panto dame (Sylvester McCoy).
• Concludes that falling ratings are not due to bad actors, rotten stories or tiny budgets but because people forget it's shown on Saturday evenings. Starts moving show all over schedule, including bold/stupid attempt to crush Coronation Street figures.
• Throws in Bonnie Langford for good measure ("Pass those last few nails and we'll soon have this coffin lid banged shut").
• Introduces new breathless companion called "Ace" (or "Ace Fab Groovy" to use her full name). Fans fondly recall death of Adric and wonder if another tragedy can be arranged (or has it already occurred?)
• Cancels show when Surrey sand quarry closes, depriving programme of remaining outside location. Also, even extras contracted to play aliens refuse to wear tiger face paint.
• First revival for charidee, following rule that all shows must merge with Eastenders for the occasion. The Doctor battles the evil Dodgy Market Traders of Al'bert².
• Flogs license to American TV hoping to ride coat tails of revival with someone else's money. Plan flops badly when the country that brought us TJ Hooker, Dukes of Hazzard and Airwolf somehow can't get to grips with eccentric Brit sci-fi. (Paul McGann's impressive audition for part comes to naught.)
• Rock bottom: revives Dr Who - as a one-off skit for Comic Relief night. Cue gratuitous wastage of talents like Rowan Atkinson, Richard E. Grant, Jonathan Pryce and Joanna Lumley to joke that the sets wobbled and the daleks couldn't climb stairs - aw-hawhawhaw. Haw.
• Makes comfortable living off licenses for old rope and Dr Who as centrepiece of "cult TV" pages on new web site. Commissions "Bugs".
• New one-off special in development: the Doctor and the Master redecorate each other's TARDIS, with help from Laurence L-B and Linda Bloody Barker.

How desperate must the cokeheads^* at the Beeb have become over dwindling TV audience figures if they've decided that salvation lies in finally heeding the prayers of several thousand aging, easily-pleased Who fans? Have we really reached the limits of DIY makeover shows or is there no one left to present them?

BB is not a great Dr Who afficionado, although back in the halcyon days of our youth - no wait, the Seventies were emphatically not halcyon - we were a huge fan. We developed prodigious speed-reading abilities through the consumption of one Terrance Dicks novel a day. We endured "The Duchesses of Duke Street" and "When the boat comes in" while waiting for the next episode on Saturday evenings after tea. We had the Genesis of the Daleks audio cassette, a curious experience which suggested that the show consisted mainly of what sounded like sado-masochistic gang bangs involving Sarah. We remember Nicola Bryant's debut as Peri - chiefly because it coincided with the onset of puberty (thanks be). But forgive us if the BBC's past cynicism regarding this show proves contagious. We badly want it to succeed. We just wish the BBC weren't involved. Still, at least the outside filming will be in Wales this time ("the Doctor visits another planet on which it mysteriously rains all the time").

^* Surely you could only view the current crop of self-congratulatory, manic, contrived bilge and not escape the conclusion that everyone involved in the TV industry is coked up to the eyeballs.

Other bubbles:

• Outpost Gallifrey: scarier than emptying Davros' chamberpot.

Network Rail to cut sabotage

[Big Words ]

Hot on the heels of Jarvis' latest rail maintenance blunder, NR announce that they'll be deferring some track renewals to save money. Chief exec John Armitt said:

"But safety comes first, and I do not believe these reductions will compromise safety on the railway."

In fact, if it keeps Jarvis and their ilk away from the tracks, it will probably improve safety. Rail travellers may sleep easier (car travellers will continue to sit in jams and fume).

My enemy's enemy...

[Big Job ]

For the first time, BB feels sorry for Windows users (normally, we figure they get what they deserve). They're trying to make headway against a whole battery of M$ bugs, bad patches, IE holes, Outlook holes, RPC holes, viruses, trojans and worms and then they start receiving spam emails like this:

From: "Microsoft Corporation Technical Assistance"

MS User

this is the latest version of security update, the
"September 2003, Cumulative Patch" update which fixes
all known security vulnerabilities affecting
MS Internet Explorer, MS Outlook and MS Outlook Express
as well as three newly discovered vulnerabilities.
Install now to maintain the security of your computer
from these vulnerabilities, the most serious of which could
allow an attacker to run executable on your computer.

The payload is, of course, the latest Outlook worm, Swen-A. You can guess the rest (if not, refer to any Windows advisory from the past five years).

The world is truly a cruel place for Windows users. Traditionally, that kind of statement applies to people running on non-Windows platforms. Windows after all gets all the latest drivers, firmware updates, software support and compatibility ratings. But in fact, practically everyone is out to get you, either through your wallet (Norton Antivirus, anyone? Office upgrade?) or through your connection. And even the stuff that purports to help you actually harms you (Outlook Express, anyone?).

Jeez, it's a tough life. (What? You were expecting us to make a point? Not really, we're just enjoying a laugh at the expense of an underclass.) Anyway, back to the shell prompt...

Sabotage!

[Big Words ]

When a Kings Cross train derailed on its way out of the station, Jarvis were initially adamant that their maintenance regime was not to blame. A short investigation by Network Rail later however, together with the peace of mind that comes from knowing no lives were lost this time, allowed them to admit that, umm OK, it was squarely their fault the points hadn't been properly restored to operational order.

But at Potters Bar, in which people lost their lives when a carriage derailed and slid across the platform, Jarvis insisted that it was not their fault the bolts were missing from the point blades. No, that was "sabotage" (after all, saboteurs could theoretically strike at Potters Bar and not be witnessed, which is not the case at the busy throat of a major terminal). And I think we can now see just how likely that explanation is.

And in a sense, they're right. The rail network is suffering from gross acts of sabotage - committed by useless maintenance contractors.

Others point out that NR would have awarded the job to the lowest bidder, thus compromising safety to lower costs. However:

1. While the Jarvis subcontractors no doubt shaved costs to the bone and did the job dirt-cheap, you can bet that the cost to NR was substantial for a little bit of track renewal. (Recent cost estimate of inserting a measly level crossing: four million pounds.)
2. Even the cheapest subcontractor ought to possess a basic safety awareness so that (e.g.) a final check for missing sections of rail takes place, on moral grounds if no other. Is it ethical to cause accidents just because "no one paid us enough to be careful"?

In the modern PFI world, truth is clearly whatever you can plausibly get away with.

Llandudno

[Big Picture ]

End of the pier show.

Autumn comes early

[Big Picture ]

A leaf and a spot of sunlight. I was sitting by the riverside in Worcester when I noticed a simple opportunity that didn't require moving from my spot.

Junction

[Big Picture ]

A quiet corner of Manchester on a sunny day.

Bamburgh castle at sunset

[Big Picture ]

When you're on Bamburgh beach in conditions like this, the shot practically takes itself.

I bought a graduated neutral density filter specifically for these kind of shots on this holiday. It's my first slot filter. Specifically, I bought a Cokin medium GND 4 (equivalent to a two stop reduction). Virtually everyone on the net will tell you not to buy Cokin filters as they scratch easily and they're not truly colour-neutral (indeed, Cokin themselves refer to it only as a "grey" filter). However: I have limited opportunities to shoot sunsets, it's difficult to get hold of better makes like Lee or Singh-Ray in the UK (certainly on the high street) and the Cokin filters are cheap if you're only learning. Possibly this shot might have been twice as good with a more expensive filter but no matter; I like it anyway.

(Received wisdom is right about one thing though: it's a pig to line up the graduated division in the frame. I found it easiest to simply slide the filter down the slot while looking through the viewfinder, and stop when the sky had darkened.)

Performance graphing redux

[Big Job ]

If you followed the post about Performance graphing on Solaris, check back for an updated Orca collection script and more fixes (with patches) for SARGE.