A lifetime of fetching and carrying

[Big Picture ]

This study of a wheelbarrow is one of my favourite shots to date, and probably the closest I've yet come to the sort of images I want to make. It has a painterly quality and the shallow depth of field (with only the wheel guard and the front edge sharp) is exactly what I was after; it makes the scale appear slightly odd, as if it might be a toy shot close up.

Bob Hope, 100 out

[Big Deal ]

"Gotcha, yer coffin-dodging little bastard!" - Grim Reaper

A forgotten corner of an English churchyard

[Big Picture ]

The shortcomings of sandstone as a headstone.

Pepper plant

[Big Picture ]

Apparently, I owe Claire a share of any royalties I make from this image of her plant; I think she'll still be paying into the college fund for some time to come.

People seem to think the foreground, unfocused leaf is distracting. I thought it juxtaposed the sharp pepper, but perhaps I'm mistaken.

Honey-coated bass rumblings

[Big Tangent ]

BB has long been bemused by the attempts of hifi buffs - aided and abetted by a whole shelf of magazines, as usual - to turn the passive experience (we won't say "activity") of listening to music into an active hobby. Put media in, press play, relax and enjoy. There, that's it. The only way to actively involve yourself in this process is through - yup - buying gear. (And those magazines will be right there alongside you to help out! Is your bass feeling a little slow? Highs a bit lustred? They are, aren't they? You need a new amp - and our buyer's guide will ensure you get one. Erm, the right one.) [See also Photography, buying cameras vs. taking pictures.]

Now, courtesy of this Slashdot poster, we have an excellent collection of audiophile verbal wankery.

No-Reboot, no kidding

[Big Job ]

Seen on Solaris Central:

JNI Ships 'No-Reboot' Solaris Driver

This takes me back. The first and last time I had experience with a Solaris driver from JNI, it too was "no-reboot". As in, the system would no longer boot once the driver was installed.

I took crash dumps. I gathered Explorer outputs. I called Sun and opened a call. My friend and former colleague Clive kindly had the call diverted to him and proceeded to plunge headfirst into the dumps. Coming up for air a short time later, he averred that the problem "seemed" to lie in the JNI driver code because the Solaris kernel execution around it had been fine.

We called JNI in New York with our findings. They said no, it worked on their test system and therefore it was a Solaris issue. Um, we said, are you sure you wouldn't mind looking at this d... No, it's a Solaris problem, they insisted. (In the background, there was the low rumble of the client getting antsy, almost drowned out by the shrill screeches of their reseller panicking and wanting me to be on site every day so I could stare at the server as it crashed again. This died down when their account manager managed to get himself banned from the site. Ha. Ha. Haw.)

A pleasant young lady from Sun got in touch to ask me for my feelings (as a third party Sun consultant, it was a rarity ever to be asked for a view on anything by Sun). She apologised for coming into the call raw, but had been off with back problems. I sympathised and said that this call was giving me pains in the lower back region too. I said that I was about as unsure as everyone else at this point, but that Clive had examined the crash dumps and argued a strong case for the problem lying with the JNI code, complete with relevant extracts from the stack trace. I didn't understand his argument (not being fluent in kernelese) but at least he had backed up his claim. The JNI guys, on the other hand, felt it was merely sufficient to deny responsibility and point the finger at Solaris. The crash dump? No, it's a Solaris problem. But the crash happening after their driver initialised? It's a Solaris problem. (We couldn't argue with their incisive logic...well, we might have done if they'd stayed on the phone long enough.)

Stasis. I moved on to other clients. A short while later, I heard that JNI had found a problem with their driver when loaded in systems with less than the 2Gb of RAM that their test system had installed.

(Disclaimer: I have no idea what their latest "No-Reboot" driver is or the general quality level of their product line. Who knows, it may just work. My point is that, in a four-way cluster-fuck between a client, a reseller, a systems vendor and a third party supplier, trust no one but if you have to trust anyone, put your money on the guy who shows you what he's talking about.)

Flying purple wolfhounds return

[Big Noise | Big Words ]

The BB bunker (OK...bedroom) is currently rockin' to the sweet soul sounds of The Best Prog Rock Album in the World...Ever, a compilation so authentic that it's a triple album - the horror (look, if you don't want to read about this then fine, sod off back to the real world). Scabby old punks are doubtless snarling "we fought for our country so that people like you could live free from oppression" already; I hope they choke on their own expectorate. Oh look, one of them did (RIP Joe).

You may be surprised to find me, self-indicted prog fan, needing to buy a bog-standard marketing cash-in like this. Truth is, my prog tastes so far have centred around the Big Three: Genesis, Yes & Crimson (four if you count Floyd as prog), with occasional diversions into - usually followed by rapid retreats from - so-called neo-prog (Porcupine Tree: awesome; Spock's Beard: acceptable; IQ: ummm...). And, when my Glamorous Research Assistant is in a forgiving mood, a long blast of Aural Moon. I've been wary of going deeper (particularly due to some of the scary things I've heard about the likes of Gentle Giant - from their own fans) so this compilation is a good opportunity to get a stronger fix ("Like cannabis? You'll love heroin!"). Plus, if enough people buy it then they might release a follow-up. Don't all thank me at once.

And mostly, I'd say "Come on in!" Hocus Pocus by Focus (or is it Focus by Hocus Pocus?), Atomic Rooster, Caravan, Man (maaan), Van Der Graaf Generator - lie back and think of a better, older (wiser) England. Plus, probably the only worthwhile Phil Collins appearance on an album this year. (Can Phil play drums with a stick in his mouth? 'Cos, like, that would stop him singing.)

Now that racism, sexism and ageism are beyond the pale, there are enough people bashing prog for an outlet instead (obviously without looking at their own record collections first, let alone their troubled karmas), so I'm going to say why I like it here. Yes, it's overblown. Yes, there's too much showing off (e.g. that comical bit in Heart Of The Sunrise where the whole of Yes stop and then play some fast runs up and down the scale in unison). Yes, it includes Yes. No, most of the lyrics don't bear close examination. And yes, I love all that about it. It's probably the closest you'll come to rock musicians playing Music with no other agenda, aim, intent or A&R sales target than for the sake of Music alone - for the pure thrill of seeing where it ends up, regardless of how many blind alleys have to be explored and abandoned along the way. The journey rather than the destination, with the expected arrival time being pushed ever further into the distance. When Jon Anderson trills:

SHARP! DISTANCE!
How can the wind with so many around me
I feel lost in the cityyyy...yeah-eahh...

at the end of the aforementioned HotS...it's bollocks, it's a grammatical pile-up; but ghod, it sounds glorious at that moment, as the band reach a mutually satisfying climax before collapsing spent from their exertions. Or take "Winter Wine" by Caravan, from the aforementioned compilation; the lyrics are about "knights of old" or somesuch (I doubt I'll ever investigate further) but halfway through there's a great guitar solo and a distinctly novel synth break. When did an instrumental part (as opposed to a lyric) last intrigue you?

However, I can understand other people not liking it (although I have less insight into the arrogance and blind prejudice that often goes along with this pose, as I've got my own oedipal complex well in check). It's hardly turn-on-the-radio-while-revising, poptastic melodiousness. Who has time to sit around Listening to Albums these days? You'd have to turn off the telly and everything.

The mellotrons, the squelchy drum sounds, the squirly guitar (word coined specially to describe Steve Howe's playing) and the bassist playing more notes in one song than every bassist together has up to 1970 - it's all so quaint ... but it can also be as exciting as music is supposed to be. We should treasure it every bit as much as we do its precursor, psychedelia. It's a modern lost English folk art and besides, there's nobody left alive who remembers the original purpose of morris dancing.

Next week: A paean to Goth - I'm beyond help but I'm one of the happy ones.

Other bubbles:

• Interview with Kevin Ayers.
• The obvious contenders for latter day prog interest: The Beta Band and the late-lamented (by me) Mansun.
• Ghostland: a bit fanboy and exhibits the classic symptoms of being too far gone (unable to understand anyone not liking prog, putting it down to mental illness or stunted intellects; puzzled why prog isn't all over the Top 40 - actually, I like their attitude), but one of the few decent net resources I've found.
• A personal suggestion: Green by Steve Hillage. He talks to the trees, you know. They listen, too.

The ants are watching you

[Big Words ]

The ants are watching you. They know your game. They've seen you eyeing the kettle speculatively. Their spies have told them how you're secretly favouring the woodlice while loudly claiming to have no alliances or bias in public; passing them supplies of rotting wood and funding their training camps. Already, you're being denounced as a traitor, an infidel and a caterpillar-lover. In the ant hills, along the crack in the garden wall and across the patio, the ants are seething with resentment over your shameless betrayal of them.

Well buddy, one day you're going to let your guard down and then ... the ants will strike! Strike out against your oppression! Hard! And your picnic will be ruined.

For the last time, don't piss the ants off.

Photo scanning workflow

[Big Picture ]

When I first got my film scanner, it took me several weeks and many attempts to produce a satisfactory scan. I'm sure everyone goes through the same thing, but there seems to be a shortage of simple how-to guides or example workflows for beginners, exacerbated by the fact that everyone uses different software. So here's my current workflow; not perfect and certainly not professional, but it will get you started.

(NB. I use VueScan for scanning and the GIMP for editing under Linux. The first is reportedly better than any other scanning software, while the second is so limited compared to most commercial packages that any other software should be capable of the same functions.)

1. Blow the dust off your slide or neg using a can of compressed air before inserting it into the scanner. (Hold the can upright and give it a test squirt if new, otherwise it will leave a gas residue.) Then give it a wipe with an Ilford (or similar) anti-static cloth kept clean especially for this purpose. With these two steps, you should hardly need to do any clean-up of the scan. (Even if your scanner has ICE, it doesn't work on all emulsions and some people claim it softens the image so it's better to get the source material as clean as possible.)
2. Scan at 48 bits per pixel, maximum resolution with maximum cropping, save as 48 bit TIFF and reduce the TIFF size by 2 unless you're aiming for a large print. From a 2700 dpi scan, this gives a 1350 dpi file that will be better quality than a 1350 dpi scan and isn't too large for manipulation in less than half a gig of RAM (while still good enough for an 8x6 print). Using VueScan, I save a raw scan file and the normal processed 'crop' file; I usually renumber them to match the frame numbers and put them in a subdirectory named after the roll number or code.
   Don't do any heavy manipulation in the scanning program (too fiddly), other than some slight curve or end point adjustments to the histogram.
3. Load the processed file into the image editor. Crop out any black edges outside the frame and (if required), straighten the image by tilting then crop again to straighten the edges.
4. Go to 'Levels' and try the 'Auto' adjustment. Usually this, and perhaps sliding the midpoint around to lighten or darken the image as desired, is enough. In odd cases where the exposure is off and Auto causes radical colour alterations, clip one or both ends of the histogram manually in each channel.
5. If grain aliasing is present (generally with 200 ASA film and up), use the despeckle filter with default settings. This will slightly blur the image but it usually cleans up the aliasing. It can also be used on selected parts of the image to clean up small dust specs and marks, or on sky areas that show the grain more. Despeckle sometimes causes posterisation; in such cases, try Gaussian Blur with a very low value.
6. Use the clone tool with a small, soft brush to paint out any larger dust marks or hairs (or unwanted objects, reflections, relatives, ...).
7. You may want to fix up the colours at this point, as minor casts aren't unknown. Unfortunately, my ability to distinguish finely between different visual tones is about as good as my ability to do the same thing with musical ones (there's a reason I play drums and only my ability to keep time hampers that). Hence I rarely bother, providing the image looks natural to the untrained eye (like mine). If your exposure is correct then auto-levels usually removes any cast. Otherwise, try the colour picker on regions that should be grey and check that the RGB levels are roughly equal.
8. Finally, apply Unsharp Mask: radius=1; amount=0.5-1 (or 50-100% in Photoshop); threshold=1-6. (If you can, try to make a selection of the sky area, invert it and only apply the unsharp mask to this, which will avoid sharpening grain in the areas most likely to highlight it.)
9. Save the image as a compressed TIFF with the same frame number and a different name (e.g. "gimp0012.tif").
10. For web posting, scale the image down to 500-600 pixels on the longest side. This will soften the image so apply a touch of sharpening again (1; 0.3/30%; 1); missing this step is the main reason why many web scans look soft. Boost colour saturation by 10-15% for most images except Velvia scans or polarised shots. Save as JPEG with the most quality you can get away with for a file size under 70Kb (typically 85-90%) and a small amount of smoothing (1-2%).

I did say it wasn't perfect. However, using this procedure I can churn through a dozen scans in a couple of hours, and it does at least provide a starting point for scans that don't make you wonder if you've wasted your money.

Elation through film

[Big Picture | Big Tangent ]

The most concise statement I've ever seen on taking great photos with a film camera. Manually.

It just writes itself

[Big Deal ]

I tried drugs, admits drugs minister

I tried education, admits education minister (though we doubt this).

I tried internet, admits technology minister.

I tried leading, admits Prime Minister.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-Henmannn!!

[Big Deal ]

BB is praying desperately that very soon, TIm Henman will finally achieve the result he desperately deserves at Wimbledon after years of trying, the moment his entire career has led him toward, the ultimate goal that the whole country cannot wait any longer to share - the realisation that he's simply Not Good Enough (and with that, the end of those Goddamn Ariel Adverts).

I'd Rather Go Blind

[Big Words ]

[...Which is a reference to an Etta James song and thus culturally right-on and clever, not offensive or politically incorrect - at ALL - as you might think from reading what follows. Our RNIB donation backs us up and eases our conscience.]

Did you know that Tuesday 15th July is "Wear your shades" day in aid of Guide Dogs for the Blind? Yes, another opportunity to be wacky and zany in your workplace - without getting the sack like you probably deserve, you irritating flubb - at very little personal inconvenience while basking in the warm glow of patronising others less fortunate and hopefully less annoying than yourself. BB doesn't quite understand why we aren't instead being asked to walk around with our eyes closed, if we really want to show some empathy with the blind. But then, we look around at this sad excuse for society and realise that wouldn't be any different from normal.

As a student, BB recalls "Wear your jeans day" in support of the fight against AIDS (or lesbian and gay discrimination, or was it lowering the age of consent for hamsters? Whatever). Students wearing denim - there's a unique and irresistible force for change! If they could be persuaded to do that, imagine what they might do in the sway of a fascist demigod figure. We can picture the warm glow of achievement felt by the campaign team when everyone got up at midday as normal and threw on last night's Levi's while they all said to each other, "Wow, look how many people we got to support us!" The success of that event was followed in short order by "Eating against famine in Africa"-Tuesday and "Breathe for Jesus" week.

Speaking of fascist demigods, maybe we should try this: HEY, EVERYONE WHO THINKS BB SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, WEAR YOUR UNDERPANTS NOW! There we go, an overwhelming majority in favour (except for that girl in Braintree - slut). Tony Blair must surely be quaking with fear as he realises the strength of our democratic mandate to rule. But he always does what he's told by a president; it can only be a matter of time and bureaucracy before executive power is transferred to this web site. Those of you with double digit IQs might want to report to the dog food factory now. Wear your shades if you like.

Amelie Photoshop effect

[Big Picture | Big Tangent ]

Here's a great Photoshop action that reproduces the look of "Amelie" (one of my all-time favourite movies, and I say that as a dyed-in-the-wool, lifelong, lifesucks cynic) on your images. Regardless of whether one judges it to be an effective reproduction (you probably have to pick the right chocolate-box kind of images), it also helps to brighten up dull colours. Even better, Dawn gives you the manual formula so you can use it in other applications (like the GIMP).

Unfortunately, due to bandwidth constraints, she took her site temporarily offline at the end of last month, just when I wanted a reminder of this technique. And I couldn't find a mirror anywhere, only links (even Google didn't cache it, due to the headers). So here's another copy of the recipe:

1. Duplicate the layer with your image on it.
2. Set that layer's Fill to 50% and the Layer Mode to Pin Light or Overlay.
3. Open Color Balance.
4. In Color Balance, select Hightlights under the Tone Balance section, then change the Color Balance to 5, -20, -100.

Updates:

• Along similar lines, try the Photo:Lomo script for the GIMP.
• Jake Ingman has an updated version of Dawn's action and procedure.