Car wreckers

[Big Picture ]

Here are two pictures of keas in New Zealand. Keas can pull a vehicle to bits with their beaks but then, if you're unfortunate enough to be driving a Maui campervan, it's probably too late to worry about that anyway.

Dark overlord speaks

[Big Noise | Big Tangent ]

BB doesn't normally post links to other sites because:

1. It's boring, particularly when there's barely any relevant or stimulating commentary alongside. (Look at this. This is interesting. Hey, cool. Which pointless meat product are you?)
2. Having ensnared your browser, we've no motivation to redirect it elsewhere. We actually have some JavaScript embedded in this page to stop you visiting other sites ever again. But it crashes most browsers.

However, we'll make an exception for this:

The Glasperlenspiel interview with Andrew Eldritch of the Sisters of Mercy; because it's so rare to hear his dulcet tones these days (particularly singing on a record), because it makes a refreshing change from the usual halfwitted celebrity "We should stop war because, like, it hurts people and that's why I wore a peace pin on my Gucci handbag, to show how badly my conscience was pricked" endorsement and because he's a love god in leather trousers (his words, not our's). There's nothing new in there (unless you're in the US), but it's an eloquent, considered and completely sussed summary of the present American situation from an international viewpoint. There also seems to be a tantalising suggestion that the man who lusted over a white Merc and the smart missile is turning into a tree-hugging hippy in his old age, raging about big business destroying the planet.

In other Sisters news: there's no other news. No change there then.

(PS. We're kidding with the headline, Andrew.)

Taking responsibility

[Big Words ]

"We have always accepted that there will be some very regrettable civilian casualties."
- Prime Minister's official spokeman in response to latest Baghdad bombing

...That's big of you. Remember what we said last time? Speaking as a voter, I've always accepted that there will be some very regrettable electoral casualties.

Don't point that thing at me

[Big Words ]

The Iraqi army is now hopeful that, following recent successes, it will soon have killed more coalition soldiers than the coalition has. However, its top generals caution that the US could still carry out a heavy bombing campaign against allied bases.

Meanwhile, it's good to see support growing for the War On TV in polls, despite the absence of precision bombing, quick results, Iraqi surrender, welcoming arms for the American liberators, Weapons of Mass Destruction Not Owned By America or anything else promised last Wednesday. Which was a long time ago, in politics and in the public memory.

America the Brave

[Big Words ]

BB has started reading Michael Moore's "Stupid White Men", so he can be held responsible for what follows. We know that Michael is a notorious polemicist and conspiracy nut with some questionable claims (although we suspect that many who question them do so from a standpoint of "That can't possibly be true ... can it??") but nevertheless, he does have the odd valid point.

Like the questionable legitimacy of Bush's claim to the presidency, for example. At least when Tony Blair declares war on Iraq, he is acting as a leader properly elected with an irrefutable majority who is entitled to wield royal prerogative. (Note: Originally, this prerogative belonged to a single, unelected individual who might be mad, drunk, or otherwise of poor judgement. Now, it is safely delegated to a single, elected individual - who might be ...etc.) Despite his various escapades in Florida, Bush technically has no authority to make the same declaration because he is not the president. It is only a collective global combination of spinelessness, guilt and convenience by which everyone else maintains the pretence that he is. So Saddam might just as well listen to us telling him to go - and he doesn't do that either.

The time for mass protests in solidarity with the oppressed people of another country was three years ago when Bush's munchkins were busy stealing the election for their patsy patron. Instead, America obeyed appeals to "get behind the President", despite the doubts surrounding his election, and they've been behind him - to varying degrees - ever since, although at present it's more a case of cowering behind him saying, "He's the boss, it's nothing to do with us! You tell 'em, George!" I guess when you've allowed one Democrat president to be shot without resolving your concerns about his murder, you're not going to be too bothered when another potential candidate is stiffed at the polls.

Democracy has clearly failed in America because nobody understands the responsibilities it entails, and the time has now come for their leader to be replaced with a dictator figure answerable to no one, who knows what is in their best interests and will promote the causes he feels right on their behalf across the globe while consolidating his unopposed leadership. Uh no, wait, that's already happened. Keep up, Ade.

For a moment there, we thought there might be a new opening for Saddam. Of course, Saddam has enough integrity to claim a proper "majority" from an election result, albeit a fake one, whereas Bush thinks that "close enough" is acceptable in a real one. If he plans to run again, assuming he bothers with the formality of a contest next time (and we wouldn't be surprised if the American public didn't protest too much at being denied one), BB suggests a new campaign slogan:

Dubya!
He'll fuckwit' ya!

Mrs Doubtfire

[Big Deal ]

Hard to believe that Mrs Doubtfire could be shown on TV, or indeed anywhere in public view, once let alone repeated as the BBC did on Saturday. The major surprise is that the end credits are not accompanied by a distant, reverberating BLAMM! as everyone who had anything to do it blows their collective brains out in shame and self-disgust at their part in foisting this sorry dross on humanity.

BB's view is coloured slightly by the fact that we once wasted three nights queueing outside a sold-out Aberystwyth cinema to see it on release, when there were forty pubs in town offering a much higher and more intelligent standard of entertainment on a walk-in basis.

Surely Robin Williams cannot continue to coast on the goodwill generated by "Live at the Met" for much longer...

Colonic Relief

[Big Words ]

It's Comic Relief Day tomorrow - fantastic! Not only do we get a day of skiving and messing around at work for charity (this year, the theme is "Big Hair" so we're going to shave peoples' heads - wild! amazing!), but we get a whole evening of quality television. Lenny Henry and Jonathan Ross jumping around a studio set, finding exciting new ways to raise money - brilliant! Wacky sketches involving the cast of Casualty! Zany crossover editions of Eastenders and whatever the BBC's latest hilarious sitcom is! Take the phone off the hook, I don't want to be Disturbed!

Honestly, I can't believe the entertainers involved provide their time and extraordinary talent like this for FREE! Thank ghod for charity, eh?

For my sins, I was once involved in a sixth form revue at school. You know the kind of thing: little skits of TV programmes, dressing up like Queen (the band), dressing up like queens (in drag), humiliating small first years, being generally amateurish, etc. Excited by the prospect, I wrote a whole stack of scripts that were universally well-received. Overstimulated by this (rare) acclaim, I incautiously boasted to someone that without my sterling efforts, the show would never have got off the ground. Word got back to the "director" and, as a means of providing a gentle lesson in the value of humility, he immediately dropped all my work from the production (citing its lack of originality to rub it in - as if we were some radical fringe theatre company) and wrote his own material. (The fucker. Rick - you fucker!) But despite that, even the stuff they used instead was funnier than anything in Comic Relief!

View from Kinder Scout

[Big Picture ]

In a surprising development, it turns out that the sun sometimes shines on Kinder.

Mission Improbable

[Big Words ]

In these times of economic downturn and hardship, many companies are seeking to cut costs and eliminate waste. BB has a strategy guaranteed to trim the payroll: find the person who wrote the corporate mission statement and sack them, because they clearly don't have any relevant purpose. And if that person turns out to be the CEO, so much the better; after all, they probably represent the largest part of the payroll.

If that doesn't appeal, try rephrasing your mission statement or "corporate values" or "Vision" or "Strategy" or Wank Mantra or whatever the fuck fancy name with which you dress it up to disguise the gaping intellectual chasm at the top of the org chart, in plain, direct English so that all your employees understand precisely what a joke your operation is:

"We treat each other with Dignity and Respect"

...Just like we treat the deceased at a funeral - a lifeless shell with no future beyond eternity in the endless void of death.

"Our Mission: to be THE BEST"

...Biggest, fastest, widest, BESTEST in the WHOLE WORLD EVER EVER EVER! And you're not, so ner! :-p

"We value our Customers above all"

...Even when they're Bent Over for another Reaming because they obviously Never Learn, we will still Respect them in the morning.

"At all times, we hold Quality uppermost in everything we do"

I SHIT QUALITY. DO YOU?

"We seek always to attract and retain the Best people"

aka "If you love me, you'll swallow" - in particular, you'll swallow this bullsh*t.

"We do not come into the office and start blazing away at our colleagues with automatic weapons."

Damn, why does that keep happening??

"Our Actions Today determine our Success Tomorrow"

Your Redundancy Cheque's in the post. It's been a helluva ride, thanks.

Appropriate response

[Big Job ]

"When a nation, terrorist group, or other adversary attacks the United States through cyberspace, the U.S. response need not be limited to criminal prosecution. The United States reserves the right to respond in an appropriate manner."
- National Strategy to Secure Cyberspace

...In other words, when the spammers and hacker use YOUR spoofed email address or IP to launch a DoS against the Whitehouse web site, it's YOUR neighbourhood that will be targeted for the nuclear strike.

At last, a way to remove AOL users from the net!