It's a mad, mad, mad world...

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• Barry Longthorne of Stotes Newingham, Norfolk, yesterday changed his name by deed poll to Fling Fling Fishee Fin and announced his forthcoming nuptials to a two year old halibut kept in a tank at his home.
  In a statement, Mr Fishee Fin said: "Punishing Microsoft for monopolistic practices by giving them an unbeatable monopoly over IT resources within the education system is an extremely bad idea," thus proving that he is not completely off his fucking trolley.
• A new world record was declared in Walsall yesterday, when Sarah Shawstone successfully managed to cycle around the town's war memorial 1,379 times in four hours, despite appalling dizziness. Asked why she had wanted to achieve this feat, she said: "In light of Transport Secretary Stephen Byers' decision to authorise Heathrow Terminal 5, thus once more putting narrow business interests above both local and global pressing environment concerns, it seemed only sensible."
• Neighbours on Eynsham Road in Greater Manchester are up in arms after the occupant of no. 16, Mr Darren Clenshaw, elected to replace every outside wall of his semi-detached former council house with double glazing.
  "It's disgusting and stupid!" said one. "You can see him in the bathroom and everything!"
  "I like a bit of daylight," said Mr Clenshaw, explaining his unconventional renovations. "Besides, it's not like I'm some fat cat Railtrack shareholder investing in a fatally flawed company to cream off public funds and then expecting to be further compensated by the taxpayer when it inevitably goes tits-up, is it?"

Stuck for that unusual xmas present?

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First Direct suggests naming a star after someone - £39.20 buys an unframed certificate of registration and an astronomical chart (astronomical meaning "Christ, how much for that scrap of paper?!!"). The telescope you'll need to view the star, as they're all "outside naked eye visibility", is not provided.

A Q&A section says:

Can I buy a star?
The stars belong to all of us or none of us, whichever you prefer, and they are not for sale. Naming a star is a symbolic gift which does not involve any legal title/ownership.

...Which is a good thing, because otherwise people might be tempted to sell real estate or advertising space on them, right? Worse, someone might expect to bring it home, which could cause major gravitational anomalies and eventually a painful, fiery death for all of us. If we don't drown in a tide of rampant consumerism first.

Teachers threaten action over Friends Reunited web site

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Libellous and offensive comments made on the Friends Reunited web site about former teachers were "going to land someone in very hot water" promised David Hart, president of the National Association of Head Teachers. "I mean it," he went on, "Unless the person who wrote these remarks owns up this minute, the whole Internet will be back here at four o'clock for detention!"

Following several minutes of silence punctuated by a few giggles at the back, Mr Hart, described on an FR memory board as "Stinky Fart", exploded, "Right, that's it! See me after school! I will NOT have teachers insulted by a rabble like you lot!"

"You heard Mr Hart," added his deputy, Phil Nevvins, who has "a nice tight arse" according to a former pupil of his boys school.

Steve "Panko" Pankhurst, joint owner of the FR website, said "We are monitoring the situation very closely," although he went on to admit that he had only started the site as a means to make anonymous allegations of sexual urges for small boys against a former art teacher.

"Pankhurst, see me in my office. I hope you're wearing thick trousers." said Mr Hart in reply.