US bombers hit Alton Towers

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As part of its ongoing "war on terror", allied forces last night carried out a bombing raid on Alton Towers, the Staffordshire theme park. Citing "the widespread use and propagation of terror as a means of furthering their aims", NATO commanders authorised a three hour bombing mission designed to knock out key targets in the enemy zone.

"We have successfully disabled the Oblivion and Enterprise rides," declared British defence spokesman Geoffrey "Geoff" Hoon. However, he was concerned that the Black Hole remained operational as, "it has always terrified me and my kids in particular."

During the raid, bombs also fell on a nearby care home, a local church and most of Wolverhampton city centre, which was devastated. Hoon claimed that the damage was the result of "regrettable but inevitable targetting errors", although he added that he was not particularly upset about Wolverhampton.

Pah,, those stupid Yanks couldn't

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Pah,, those stupid Yanks couldn't hit the side of a bu ... oh.

Starving Ethiopians 'no longer so hungry'

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As allied forces continue to press a massive humanitarian relief campaign in Afghanistan, Ethiopia and several other third world countries claimed that hunger and poverty were "no longer as severe as first thought". The Ethiopian Interior Ministry released a statement which said that studies had proved that humanitarian relief required "no sharp or sudden increases" and efforts should "continue to be discreet and certainly not targeted in any form, please." Specifically, "military assistance in delivering food and other essentials was not required."

Told that the British Prime Minister had specifically singled out Africa in a recent speech as a continent requiring special measures to relieve suffering and inequality, N'bibi Malabi, a forty year old shopkeeper in the Ethiopian capital, said, "Oh god, why pick on us now?" as he frantically began excavating a bomb shelter behind his store. "There's no oil here, you know!" he added, loading his children on to a neighbour's truck that was headed for the border.

Civilians, they're like cockroaches,aren't they?

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Civilians, they're like cockroaches,aren't they? Squash one, there are still another ten hiding behind the sofa, which means you've gotta come back tomorrow night and bomb them some more...

No wait, I was getting carried away there. But you know, there's a war on and, as the government has been explaining to us, in war it's inevitable that some civilians will get hurt. Aw. Pity. Still, did you see those pictures of the raid the other night?!

I think we need to reintroduce some sense of proportion to these situations, and I can think of no better way than killing one government minister for every hundred Afghan civilians accidentally blown apart. Now I admit that's hardly proportionate or fair, but then we haven't got as many ministers to go round. However, recasting the argument in this light gives it much more impact: "In times of war, it is inevitable that some government ministers will regretfully die." Doesn't that spell out the horror of war much more clearly now?

Perhaps we should make it completely equitable by simply killing equivalent numbers of our own population whenever some over eager American twat mistakes a bunch of hovels for a sophisticated command and control centre. Then the Prime Minister could point out that civilian casualties are unavoidable in any war and we would understand him precisely. Of course, there is no need for innocent people in this country to be gunned down by our own armed forces, as there are now plenty of Arabs doubtless only too willing to oblige.

Anyway, I don't accept the words of the doomsayers and bleeding hearts from the aid agencies, who claim that the present levels of "humanitarian" aid will be insufficient unless the bombing ceases. By continuing the campaign, Blair and Bush will ensure that, not only will the available food be sufficient for the remaining Afghan population, but there might even be a surplus! Mr Blair has made it quite clear that the bombing and the aid go hand in hand. After all, the effects will be much more pronounced if we first weed out the old, the sick, women and children, who tend to die anyway in wartime. But that's inevitable.

Thank christ the forces of justice and freedom are white, Western and civilised, otherwise they might be mistaken for terrorists.

What did I say?

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For democracy, substitute oil supplies.

Sharon Stone treated for brain ailment

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...Something that Victoria Beckham will never have to fear.

New world incentivisation scheme

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"We should offer incentives to states that are ready to join us in the fight against international terrorism," said German chancellor Gerhard Schröder yesterday. What, pens? Mugs signed by Dubya ("It takes a great mug to spot another one!")? T-shirts with "I'm against terrorism" on the front (and a picture of crossed fingers on the back)?