As I get older, I

[Big Noise ]
As I get older, I find my mind increasingly regresses to the past because it is somehow better, rosier and the days were sunnier. As far as music went, you could hear the words and the guitars. Hence, the Think Floyd gig in the heady atmosphere of Warrington Parr Hall (where spookily I last went to see Roy Harper over ten years ago) on May 10th is the event I have most eagerly anticipated in an age. I've been back to my old Floyd albums and found that it is still fundamentally good music - which is more than can be said for the later, post-split material that was the main focus when I was a student.

Sadly, it is now quite clear that Floyd might as well be regarded as an ex-band, and sadder still, this seems preferable to another album like The Division Bell or, gawdhelpus, A Momentary Lapse of Finance and another tour in which the stragglers "plaster on a fake smile and plough through the same old shit one more time". The same could be said of Genesis and, if they were actually releasing anything, probably the Sisters of Mercy (nice to see Andrius Sytas making a formal complaint about the inactivity though). That's three of the main bands I liked in my formative years. Sigh.

Kids need heroes. That's why we Floyd fans tried to convince ourselves that the break-up was a good thing, leading to our heroes producing twice as much material. But sober analysis by a thirty year old man who no longer believes in heroes proves that AMLOR and Radio KAOS were weak, unsatisfactory albums. Of course, we knew that at the time too, but we couldn't bring ourselves to accept it. The evidence was clear on every page of Floyd fanzine "The Amazing Pudding" (was I ever that much of a trainspotter??). But that meant writing the band off, and then who would we believe in?

Roger Waters was right - the post-1985 Floyd was a clever, ersatz fake that denigrated the overall legacy. The live videos illustrate that what we thought was a spectacular tour was really an extravagant CD player. Dave Gilmour was right - Roger Waters needs someone to edit the crap. If the guy really believes Amused To Death, a CD I'm scared to put next to my Floyd albums in case cross-contamination occurs, was an all time Great, overlooked Album, he's clearly not arrived back on earth yet. And his latest release, a live retread of his past, lacks the fire and glory of proper Floyd.

Genesis completely lost their way, bleating that "it's harder to write short songs than long ones, you know", while neglecting to point out that the results didn't usually justify the extra effort. Their single-minded pursuit of the popular pound, with Phil Collins at the controls like Captain Kirk with suicidal dementia, went straight up a blind alley, and the only bright spot was that Collins was as stuck as they were, even after jumping ship. Hence his half-hearted apologies for denigrating their glorious past, and endless reunion teasers (because we want to believe, we really do, that those guys could still make Foxtrot 2).

So no, I don't need heroes anymore, but I do appreciate something to hold on to - albums I bought fifteen years ago that will remain classics despite the outrages committed since.

Fear of animals:

[Big Job ]
When you're sitting on the floor with your PC opened up and the boards in pieces all around you, and then the cat, fur crackling with thousands of volts of static electricity, pads over to say hello while languidly rubbing herself against every object in your vicinity, with the "pop" of exploding chips almost audible beneath the screams of "NO, GOD, NOOOOOOO!!!"

Overheard dialogue

[Big Words ]
between two mothers on the Helensburgh-Glasgow local stopper:

"EASTER EGG?! Ah sez, 'Doan't yoo give me Easter Egg! Ah'll Easter Egg YOO!!'"

That's an expression that you can often also hear in the north of England. There is a certain type of mother who is convinced that life is miserable as fucking sin and the sooner her kids learn to appreciate this fact, the better prepared they will be.

I kind of imagine her unwrapping a slightly warm Easter Egg and mushing it into her kid's face...

According to a board in the People's Palace, at the last census, "74% of Glasgow's population thought they could be funnier than Billy Connolly, 17% thought they were funnier than Billy Connolly and 9% thought they were Billy Connolly".

I misunderstood.

[Big Noise ]
I thought the record companies were scared of Napster because they feared that people would download songs by Britney Spears and N'Sync for free. But perhaps they're actually petrified that people might not download those songs even though they're free! And what would that say about the quality of artists whom they've spent millions of dollars promoting? Indeed, when all the music is free and suddenly no one has to take a £15 risk on something they may not like, what do the charts look like then? (Answer: full of songs called things like "hot-pumpy-sex-sex-sex-lesbian-teenage-fantasy-xxx" ... uh wait, that's no different from Britney Spears.)

Virgin Trains

[Big Ego ]
made titanic efforts for the Easter weekend but despite that, my wife & I reached Glasgow before midnight for our foot and mouth-free city break. Even though they selfishly never came through on their continual promises of cheap returns after two months of phonecalls to the booking line, and they tried hard to discourage us by cancelling the booked train on the day, we called their bluff and turned up at Preston in time to catch an earlier (but naturally late running) train. And we got a seat, despite our reservations being on the non-existent 19:20. Nice try, you useless bastards.

'I hope they don't interrogate him,'

[Big Words ]
Darlene Edmunds, ex-wife of a US navy cryptographic expert held by the Chinese, told the Sacramento Bee newspaper, who in turn told the world media, parts of which are even rumoured to be read by the same Chinese who may wish to painfully torture her former husband.

"I don't know what measures they are going to take to find out what they want to know ... but it could involve red hot, electrified needles under his fingernails and in his eyes, body cavity probes with a nailed baseball bat or genital mutilation - all recognised techniques that cause extreme pain and duress," she went on. "Josef - five foot eight with sandy hair, spectacles and lying eyes - is trained not to give out information, so they'd probably have to subject him to several days of extreme torture without sleep before he would blab like a baby. And who could blame them, when the knowledge he has could topple our entire country?"

Tearfully, Mrs Edmunds went on to say, "Even though he carried on a six month affair with a young navy intern, which was the main factor in our divorce after ten years of marriage, I don't want him to come to any real harm or suffer nameless agonies at the hands of cruel, heartless aggressors who may be his equal. That's why I'm pleading with the Chinese authorities not to interrogate him - that's Josef 'Joe' Edmunds, got that? - in their usual highly effective and notorious manner. Just because he can tell a pack of stinking lies to my attorney under oath, he may not be able to withstand extreme torture that maims for life. Nobody deserves to suffer a living hell like that, even if he is a homewrecker and a lousy shit."

Mrs Edmunds went on to dish out photographs of her ex-husband to waiting journalists, together with a list of his "ten greatest phobias".

Have

[Big Noise ]
you joined one of the six tribes of pop yet? Personally, I firmly believe that we need to dispossess the tribes, move them to reservations and slowly begin disinheriting them of their "culture".

Top gangsta rap star GayLord

[Big Noise ]
Top gangsta rap star GayLord Poppa has changed his name to "Sweetie, bend me over and batter my behind with the rough end of a baseball bat- Bitchboy". "But you can call me Malcolm," added the rapper.

If

[Big Words ]
ever there was a case for calling a man's bluff, it was Slobodan's "You'll never take me alive, ya hear me, cop?!" at the weekend. Sadly, he bluffed.